SYMC School of Coaching logo
FastNav:
Help for Marriages in Crisis
Marriage Fidelity Day
Online Discussion Forum

What Are My Chances?

One of the things people ask me most often when they are considering whether or not to hire me as a coach is what my success rate is. It's a difficult question because the success rate of coaching is not just about the skill of the coach or the brilliance of the program. It has an awful lot to do with the willingness of the client to do the hard work of making personal change. Even though that makes it tough for me to answer the question, it does point out something that you can do to increase your chances of success.

Coaching requires two things. First, the client realizes that there is something in his or her life that is not working -- and which s/he would like to change. The second is a willingness to do the work of making that change. Coaching is a partnership and without that awareness and willingness, coaching cannot occur.

With that in mind, the success or failure of the marriages of couples who have worked with me falls into different categorical types. I've broken them down below.

Brief - Successful
I've had several couples and individuals hire me for a limited number of sessions - three at the most - who seemed to "get" what I was telling them almost effortlessly. They went away, made changes, and their marriages seemed to just sail ahead effortlessly. This is the most interesting group, since it seemed to require very little effort on my part in order for our methods to be implemented and begin to function. I believe that providing space for them to verbalize subconscious ideas and thoughts and providing feedback to help them decide what to do with those thoughts was the only missing piece -- and one which I was able to contribute.

Brief - Unsuccessful
These couples are the most difficult for me. These clients hire me for a few sessions - usually sporadically over many months. They spend each session telling me what is wrong with their marriage and insisting that none of my suggestions or attempts to expand their viewpoint will make a difference - even though they readily admit that what they're currently doing isn't working. Eventually they throw in the towel on their marriage and either divorce or continue to live in misery. This group is characterized by a failure to meet the second requirement of coaching - willingness to do the work of making change. I've started to address this by asking for a three-month commitment from all of my new clients; with a schedule of sessions that allows for much more focused effort and assignments.

Intermediate - Successful
Generally, these are couples where infidelity is the presenting problem. They had a relatively good marriage prior to the affair (no control or abuse, and no other addictions). Both partners are ready to work through the withdrawal and the resentment and to get back on their feet. These couples tackle assignments that create and encourage change, they take their own change work seriously, and they move ahead pretty well. The key to success for these couples is willingness to take risks, to work on new behaviors and attitudes, and to schedule regular sessions to keep the momentum going. Often I work with only one partner and the changes s/he makes turn the tide for the marriage.

Intermediate - Unsuccessful
As with most of my clients, this group comes to me telling me why their spouse needs to change. This group gets stuck and doesnít understand that if their marriage is going to change, they will have to change. Understanding the needed changes is something we talk about from day one. The changes necessary are unique to each individual. Each of us contributes in some way to the dynamics of a marriage, and when the marriage is in trouble, both members of the couple have contributed to it and must change. Sometimes this requirement is too much for a client, and they refuse to look in the mirror. These people leave the coaching relationship in much the same place as they entered it.

Occasionally this is also where we see failed attempts at reconciliation, due to one or both spouses refusing to take the necessary steps to create conditions that make it difficult to repeat or revisit an affair or other addiction.

This is also where we find one partner willing to do the work and the other refusing to join the process in any way. When that happens, the willing spouse has a difficult decision to make regarding protecting the marriage, and one that has a tremendous effect on the likelihood of success of the marriage. When the willing spouse can make the difficult choice to protect the marriage over the familiar discomfort of their pain, they significantly increase the likelihood of the marriage succeeding.

Long Term - Successful
These are the troopers. These are spouses who do the hard work of changing themselves, rather than their partners. They do assignments. They explore difficult territories with me. They are honest. They laugh, they cry, they have good days and bad, and they stick it out. Recovery is one day at a time. It is the choices we make in the moment which lead us either closer to or further from our goal of a joyous and fulfilling marriage. This group understands that. They work on anger issues, addiction stuff, taking risks, and seeking out other services when I suggest a need for additional support. The success of this group is due to the commitment of each member of the team (coach and client/s) and the willingness to do the work.

Long Term - Unsuccessful
Sometimes, particularly in the case of infidelity or other addictions, the destructive spouse is not willing end the destructive behavior - no matter what the betrayed partner does or does not do. In those cases, all we can do is our best and the rest is out of our hands. In those cases, the one who remained faithful to the marriage heals, moves on, and creates a new life. The person who had the affair or other addiction is left with the messy consequences of his/her actions. Small consolation, I know, but it speaks to the tragedy of infidelity on every side of the triangle.

There are also a very few in this category where the reasons for failure are the same as the intermediate length clients. Theyíre unwilling to change in a way that is counter-intuitive and frightening. They choose, instead, familiar baby steps, and these lead down the path to a failed marriage. These are heartbreaking to watch.

Other Thoughts -
Once in a while I have a client with whom I just don't connect. Sometimes we're too far apart on our view of marriage and commitment. At other times, I may not relate my thoughts and ideas well. Twice someone who was involved in an affair fooled me and hid it from me. I hope to never go there again!

Marriage is not an exact science. I tailor what I do to the individuals and their unique set of circumstances. I get to know them and their lives, and I work within that environment when I coach them. There are still many times when things take longer than the couple hopes or we encounter other problems along the way.

I can't promise you that I can save your marriage. No one can. What I can promise is that I will give you my very best and that I will never tell you that there is no hope. If you are willing to do the difficult things I will ask of you, if you are willing to put aside your preconceived ideas and try something new - well, then you have a better than average chance of having a marriage full of love and contentment.
Coachville logoiac logo
Website design and
development by
Rachel Hirsch