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Saving Marriages: Therapy or Coaching?

© Penny R. Tupy January 2003

In coaching the coach and the client work together as a team to effect positive change. Although it is helpful to have an overview of the couple’s past we don’t spend time digging into the issues or attitudes that got them to where they are today. Coaching is forward thinking and forward driven.

People have all kinds of habits and behaviors that they’ve developed over the years. Some of those simply because it started out being convenient to do things in a certain manner, and some are due to trauma and the individual’s need to cope. Some habits are a result of dysfunctional homes and the role models we had in childhood. But for whatever the reason, we all have habits that are not serving us well in the present.

Therapy is often an essential step in resolving issues of the past, but in marriage, coaching is often far more successful in helping couples achieve their goal of a happy and fulfilling relationship. Rather than trying to figure out why one spouse or the other has certain habits, we look at what is working for the couple and what is not.

With that information we begin to eliminate the things that are not serving them well. Habits that are destructive such as insisting that one’s partner do things regardless of how he or she feels about it, being rude or disrespectful, or using anger or threats to get what one wants are identified and eliminated. Habits which are simply annoying are replaced with choices that can make both partners feel good.

An example of this might be one partner’s habit of collapsing in front of the TV after a long day. Although we can empathize with the need to relax and unwind, if it’s annoying or objectionable to the spouse we brainstorm to find ways to make them both happy. Is there something they could do together that would be just as relaxing? Would the spouse be ok with the TV time if his/her partner spent 15 minutes connecting with him/her first? Would the one who is irritated by the partner’s TV habit join in if they chose to watch a different program? Almost all conflicts can be resolved in a way that is good for both partners once they learn to negotiate.

But sometimes marriages get stuck in a rut, or spouses simply have no idea how to get from where they are to where they want to be. They know that what they’re doing isn’t working but somehow seem to be mired in a pattern that won’t change. That’s where coaching is so helpful. A good coach is trained to help clients recognize that life is full of options. A good coach will get them moving by helping them to see what’s not working and making a plan to change it. Immediately.

This is an excerpt from a letter that was in a newsletter I receive. It highlights in stark contrast the difference between coaching and therapy for marriage. It is written by a therapist.

“I have been struggling to help a couple I have been seeing for several months. Their marriage started in 1990 with the husband having to relinquish his teaching license after it was learned he had kissed the nipples of two junior high school boys who were his students (although we know he still finds images of boys attractive, we have no reason to think he has molested again; he's a pretty asexual guy). The wife has been depressed and anxious throughout their marriage and complains about his lack of sex drive. They have kept their emotional distance from one another -she remains bitter and resentful about what he did to their lives – and therapy was getting pretty much nowhere.”

At this point in reading the letter I had to wonder what it was that therapy was addressing. The writer does not say, but it doesn’t seem to have been their patterns of interacting with each other. In fact later the author goes on to say that he gave them a quote (Thornton Wilder, but not specified in the letter) and the quote seemed to have made a tremendous difference. He says,

“I saw them again last week. I have been a therapist for 22 years, usually do a pretty good job, and have come up with a few powerful interventions in my day. However, I had never seen anything like the impact that quote had on this couple. It was transformative: The wife felt happy and "light" for the first time in many years. Her husband referred to her as "glowing". Her coworkers commented on the change. She said she felt optimistic and validated. He said he felt "rejuvenated".

He now has the self-confidence to redouble his efforts at work and stop being so ineffectual. They spent many of their evenings during the past two weeks sitting in the same room together, sometimes reading, sometimes talking, instead of watching TV (him) or surfing the web (her). She has shared the quote with many of her friends.”

Although I am thrilled for the couple this author writes about, I can’t help but wonder if coaching might have brought them to this point long ago. Had this couple worked with a talented marriage coach, one of the first things that would have been identified is the habits that kept them feeling distant and isolated.

From the limited information there is about this couple it does not sound as if there are domestic violence or control issues. Simply a feeling of loss of intimacy and resentment that comes from having the past rehashed over and over again. It doesn’t seem that honesty (or dishonesty) have been a problem for this couple either. So if we have no abuse or control issues and the couple is willing to be honest with each other then the next step is fairly straightforward. We discuss making choices and decisions about all aspects of their life in a way that works for both of them. What patterns are not working, and how can we change those?

Within the first week we would have been negotiating for less TV and net surfing time and for more time spent together doing things they both enjoyed. We would have discussed ways they could make a habit of setting aside time each week just to have fun and connect.

From my conversations and experience with couples even the most desperate of marriages can be helped if I can get them to spend time together having fun. The very thing this couple seems to have stumbled onto by accident.

I have reason to believe that if we could get this couple having fun together each and every week, and if we could leave the pain of the past in the past, we would have an excellent chance of revitalizing their sexual relationship as well. One has to wonder if the husband’s “asexuality” is due to constantly reliving a sexual event that has been allowed to intrude into the present.

Undoubtedly the issue of the husband’s sexual misconduct has played its part in where they are today. But no matter how much they talk about what happened and how they felt and what it did to their lives it will not change what is in the past. In fact, the more they talk about it, the more they give that one event power to control their present and their future.

Certainly precautions need to be taken so that the wife (and possible victims) are protected from a recurrence of the sexual acting out. It does not seem from what the writer states that the husband is a danger to anyone at this time. Once those precautions are in place, however, the subject should not be brought up again. It only serves to make this couple feel bad about their marriage and about themselves.

Obviously it’s easy to second guess what to do with only a little bit of information. This couple may have other issues that are keeping them stuck where they are. But the difference in how therapy and coaching approach marital issues is well illustrated by this letter.

Old habits die hard. Creating new ones takes planning. I hope this couple can keep the momentum moving in the right direction. A good coach would plan on it.

The letter quoted above is excerpted from the Smart Marriages® Newsletter dated 12-28-02. This newsletter is free to any who are interested and can be subscribed to by visiting www.smartmarriages.com. Smart Marriages® is part of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE). It is an excellent resource for individuals and professionals interested in promoting and saving marriages.
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