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Penny,
I sent an email to my husband yesterday talking about some things that are not working for me in our marriage. I added some suggestions and even asked, “would this work for you.”

No response, not even to say he got the email. I'm sure he did, since he is online all day and checks mail repeatedly. He was sick last night, and didn’t attend a weekly church event with me, so I didn't really want to push. I think the stress has caught up to him again.

Do I play stupid and ask if he read it and what does he think? Or do I just let it go for now and wait for him to bring it up? He says he wants to fix this, but when he seems to be ignoring me, it makes me very unhappy.

KC

Hi KC,
Words are cheap. It's the actions that show what one really means. It's quite easy to say that one w to make it better. A favorite saying I used to encounter from a client was something like, "I have this vision of how good our marriage could be." Unfortunately, his "vision" did not include making any changes in how he was (or was not) doing things.

My approach to working with couples, or individuals for that matter, is far more proactive than talking about things and then doing nothing. Talking without follow up action can even make things worse. The expectation that something will change once you’ve been heard, sets you up for even greater hurt if nothing is done.

My first move is honesty while working hard at being cooperative and pleasant. If you are honest and you meet with resistance, ignoring the issues, or defensiveness, then you have valuable information that says your partner is not willing to do what it takes to make the marriage a joyful and fulfilling experience for both of you.

At that point you need to decide if you are willing to live with being unhappy, and can you do so without turning into something you despise, or are you going to take steps to protect yourself and your feelings for your spouse..... before those feelings have disappeared entirely. If the goal is really to save the marriage, then there are extraordinary moves to be made. It's easy to stick it out until you hate the whole idea and then to walk away. It requires a lot more gumption to take a proactive stance.

You can't do this yourself. None of us can. But you can step up to the plate and be the one who is courageous enough to make some real changes, rather than staying in the victim role.

This is a tough time of year for everyone. Holidays are stressful and they highlight all the things we find disappointing in our relationships with the people in our lives. Be easy on yourself. Be sure to get enough rest and to do some things for you.

Work hard on that honesty piece. Remember, honesty is about you and how you feel. See where that leads you, and get back to me with an update.

Best to you,
Penny