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Previously we heard from DB, a wife who was concerned about the time her husband was spending with a female co-worker. She expressed discomfort with the relationship, but felt that she should “trust him” and his claim that they were nothing more than friends. Here is an update, and my response.

Penny,
I wrote to you a week or so ago about my husband spending time with a girl at work. You said that I should talk with him about that, and see what other information I could get. I did that, and now I am really afraid.

At first he said they only talked once in a while at work. Then later he told me that they have lunch together a lot. He said she had dinner with him at the bar too, but then later he said he never said that.

He kept telling me they are just friends and that I shouldn’t be so uptight about having a little fun. He says he’s an adult who can choose his friends, and that I’m just trying to control him. Now what do I do? Help!
DB

Dear DB,
From what you tell me, it seems pretty clear that your husband is on dangerous ground. I would call what he is doing now, an emotional affair. He is cultivating with another woman the kind of emotional intimacy that belongs in marriage. It may well be that the level of intimacy has moved to the realm of a physical affair as well. Either way, the path to recovery is the same, and the burden of work falls heavily on you at this point.

Can you tell me something about what your relationship has been like both in the recent past and in the early days? Has your husband mentioned things that he is unhappy with in the marriage?

I want to really emphasize this point with you, there are many reasons men and women have affairs (and we will be addressing those) but there are NO EXCUSES. Problems in marriage require honesty and persistence to correct. It is never appropriate to look to infidelity as a way to find happiness.

First I would like you to tell him that his relationship with this woman is very painful for you. You can do that without accusing him of being unfaithful. If it’s an emotional attachment only, he may not see it as infidelity. What is non-negotiable however, is how you feel. As your husband, he has promised to put you above all others. And so he needs to know that this is hurting you beyond belief and that you are frightened.

Ask him to end all contact with her immediately. He should be looking for somewhere else to work, if he cannot avoid her entirely on the job. He may be able to speak with his supervisor and be transferred within the company.

Next, talk to him about the things you suspect have been issues in your marriage. Let him know that you are willing and able to do whatever it takes to be the wife he’s always wanted.

Be sure to avoid insisting that he do anything, you can only request. Be watchful of your temper, and under no circumstances allow yourself to become disrespectful and judgmental.

Feel unfair? Yes, perhaps it is. Our goal is to entice him away from this woman so that we can begin the work of rebuilding your marriage. It’s not possible to do that while he is involved with her.

Have this conversation at the earliest possible time. Work on doing the things you know would make him happy, and being as pleasant as possible. Let him know how much it hurts you every time he sees of speaks to her.

Get back to me in a week or so after you’ve had a chance to do those things. Let me know how it goes, and we’ll see what needs to be done next.

Best to you,
Penny
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