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Penny,
I have been reading through your Q & A's on the web site and am hopeful that you can offer some advise.

My wife and I have been married for 14 years and have been loving and caring to one another. Until 2 weeks ago she had told me that she's 'checked out on me'. Days after she admits that there is someone else that she really cares about where she works, needless to say they are spending a lot of time together.

I agreed to give her 'space' and I am now staying with friends, and soon, an apartment close to home. Two days ago she told me that this guy is in full 'boyfriend' mode.. ouch!

We have mutually agreed to separate for a time to let things play out, and hopefully she can figure out her emotions. I am doing my best to put the negative emotions (jealousy, grief, anger etc..) in the back seat and remain agreeable and happy. When I'm alone, that's when I let go and.. well.. let my hopelessness out a bit.

Am I on the right track to help her find what she needs? Do you think our relationship is recoverable?

Best regards,
B

Hi B,
I think I have some suggestions that will be helpful. But first let me cover a couple of basics. Infidelity as you might know if you've visited my site, affects a whopping 60-80% of marriages in the US. Two thirds of those filing for divorce are women. Those are pretty staggering statistics!

Almost all affairs end. They are relationships which are based on passion, deceit, and betrayal so the long term chance for success is pretty slim. Of the few that go on to become permanent relationships only about 15% survive.

Most marriages that are hit by infidelity don't end because of the affair. They end because the conditions that led to the affair in the first place are never adequately addressed.

In order for marriages to survive an affair and to move beyond survival to recovery several things must happen. The first of those is that the affair must end, and there must be a verifiable promise never to see or speak to the lover again. Until we get to that point there is nothing else we can do to restore the marriage.

Affairs are addictions. The straying partner is addicted to the lover. And like an addict, they exist in a fog that clouds their ability to make rational, ethical, reasonable decisions. So even though, following the end of the affair, there are times when it looks like they are coming out of the fog, without extreme measures to ensure that there is no contact it is likely they'll get sucked back in time and time again.

Having said all that there are some things that I think you can do to end the affair and begin the recovery process. Most of the things that have been shown over and over again to work are things that go against your every emotion and instinct. I wish it weren't so. My job would certainly be easier that way! But the truth of the matter is that you must set aside your emotions and instincts and follow a strategy that is based more on intellect.

First, I would suggest that you NOT leave your home. If your wife wants to have an illicit relationship with another man, then don't make it easy for her to do so. Unless there are issues of abuse, I would strongly discourage separation at this time.

Granted, she will most likely be very upset with the change in plans. Right now the goal is not so much to appease her, but to end the affair.

Having said that, the next step is to look at (and perhaps she will even tell you about) the things that have been an issue in the marriage. This could be control and anger issues, not enough time together, lack of meaningful conversation, or living independent lifestyles. Whatever those things are, you should be making an effort to make changes.

You can expect that she would not acknowledge those changes outright, but she will take note on some level. The idea is to entice her to end the affair by showing that you can be the husband she's always wanted.

Along with that is the honesty piece. Although we want to her to view you as attractive, we don’t want to go down the path of being a doormat. So she needs to hear from you (in a way that is respectful and free of judgment) that the relationship she is having with this coworker is very painful for you. And that this is probably the worst thing you have ever experienced. She won't like hearing that, and will most likely become defensive. That's ok. She needs to know how her actions are affecting you.

Along with those things, I strongly recommend that you tell the people close to you. Friends and family members should know what is going on. As should your church leader. Affairs generally do very poorly once they come under the scrutiny of the world at large.

I know this seems to be a somewhat contradictory message. On the one hand to do everything you can to show that you will be a great husband, and on the other do things that you know will make her very upset. Remember, affairs are addictions. And they need to be treated as such. Like an addiction true healing can only begin once the use is stopped.

If you haven’t already read the newsletters available at my site I think you will find them most helpful. March and April were devoted entirely to the subject of infidelity. You can find them here.

I work extensively with men in similar situations whose wives have either left or are having affairs. Let me know if this is something you would be interested in pursuing.

All the best!
Penny R. Tupy
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