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Dear Penny,
Thank you so much for getting back to me.  We have been married for six years and have been together for almost ten.  He sleeps at home, but has been talking about staying with his parents but has not done so yet, (I think it is because they do not agree with him).  We have 2 children and when he is not with us or them he goes hunting at his parent’s house. 

I have looked over his cell phone calls, and there are no unusual phone numbers that I don't know.  He always tells me what he deposits and how much his check is, so what he spends his money on really does not worry me.  We were separated before and I heard the same story, while I was pregnant with our son and he moved into an apartment so I became very independent and did not call him much at all, but I found he seemed to be more concerned about me.

This same female friend was working with him then after our son was born, but he seemed to cut off all ties, and then she was laid off about 8 months ago, and recently got called back.  She is trouble and is known for that at their workplace.

I have heard that she comes to work complaining about her husband and her 2 children, and expresses how concerned she is about my husband and his family, but she seems to be causing all of this confusion. 

He states that he is missing a feeling in our relationship and had it a few years ago with someone else, and he wants to get that back. I asked him if that was with me, or if someone could tell us how to get that back, would he want to try, he really did not answer me, but since he has not attempted to leave at all. 

I have not stopped loving him or being a good wife.  He tells me I am a great wife and a great mother he is just missing the "feeling".  He is frustrated that no one understands him, because we do not fight, we get along great, but he says he can't love me the way I need it, and that I deserve better. He always says he thinks of me to be his best friend and wants to take care of me, but I find that really hard to deal with. 

A couple weeks ago we where on our way to his parents for dinner, and had a discussion and I informed him that I did not need a part time husband, and our children do not need a part time father.  He was very upset that I said that.  I hate hurting him but I needed to say something.  So please help me decide what my next step is.  I am very confused and frustrated, that all the praying and commitment, and patience is getting to me.

Thanks for the help
E

Hi E,
The "feeling" that your husband is talking about, is the feeling of romantic love. Our society poo poos the idea that we can sustain that feeling over time, or in long term relationships. That's just not true. However keeping that feeling alive, or restoring it once it's lost takes planning, effort, time, and commitment. While you may feel better telling your husband that you don't need a "part time" husband and father such a statement will certainly drive him away. It is what I would call disrespectful. That is, it is a judgmental statement about him rather than a factual statement about how you feel in regards to his behavior.

Believe me, I know this is confusing and difficult. Disrespect has been my biggest beast to overcome, and I still catch myself wanting to blurt out things that would not do me or my marriage any good.

So then, instead of saying what you did, a respectful and still empowering approach would be to say, "Honey, I am hurt, lonely, scared, sad, etc.... (whatever your feelings are) when you are away from home so much of the time. I see that the kids miss you as well."  And if they talk about how much they miss dad, or ask where he is, you could mention that as well. This is a statement about you and how you feel, it is not judgmental, angry or demanding.

The next step would be to ask... gently, courteously, and with a smile.... what it would take for him to spend more time at home.

Now, as to retrieving that feeling of love. I would suggest that you invite him out on a date. Dinner, coffee, tea, someplace where the two of you can spend time focusing on each other. During this date, tell him that you understand that he misses that feeling. Validate what he has told you. Tell him that you are willing to do what it takes for him to feel that connection and intimacy with you again. Ask if he's willing to give you a chance to do that.

One of the most important ingredient to restoring love will be time spent together. No kids, no friends, no family. Just the two of you doing things you both enjoy. So, I would suggest that you ask him if he's willing to set aside one night a week for date night, one morning or afternoon on the weekend just for the two of you, and a half an hour every evening after work. It works best if you can set aside the same times every week so that it becomes a habit and a pattern that you don't have to think about, just do.

During those times you should be reconnecting through conversation, showing each other affection, doing things together you both enjoy.... dancing, bowling, hiking, playing cards, etc...... and if possible you should be setting aside time for sex.

I think you need to be very concerned about this woman that he works with. From what you tell me, it sounds like an emotional affair if not more. I wonder what happened between them while you were separated earlier? I would do some snooping and some watching. Get back to me with what you find out, and we’ll talk about how to best address their relationship.

Penny

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