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Dear Penny,
How does a couple keep the marriage together after a child was born out of the affair? My husband and I tried for years to have a child but I never could get pregnant. We have been married 10 years. His 3 year affair with a co-worker ended 3-years ago after he came clean. Of course, I was devastated to say the least. The child is now 3 years old and is living with his mother overseas.

My pain has subsided but every now and then something happens to stir up my emotions. Which in turn gets me to reliving the past and putting the guilt trip on my husband. I have more pain that he and his mistress had a child together and we didn't. I'm in my mid-forties!

I have found little information on how couples move on after a child is born from the affair. Any information would be helpful.

J

Hi J,
Affairs are just about the most thoughtless and cruel thing that one spouse can do to the other. It's compounded when there is a child born from the affair. In your case it must be extremely painful because of your inability to have a child together. I'm so sorry.

The way to recover after infidelity is pretty much the same regardless of the circumstances. The affair must end and there must be no contact between the spouse and the lover again. As a couple there are conditions that you must meet in order to fully restore your marriage. I'm listing them for you below.

The entire process is complicated by the existence of this child. Some things you don't say that would be helpful to know:
Does he see the child? Do you pay child support? Is there continued contact with the mother? Also, you say that things happen and the pain and resentment rise to the surface. Can you share with me a little of what those things would be?

As you have undoubtedly read, almost all affairs end. And most marriages do not end in divorce due to the affair. Unfortunately most marriages don't recover either, they simply bumble along with neither partner feeling happy or fulfilled and finally the marriage ends because the love is gone and it becomes a sad a desolate place for both spouses. Recovery is probably one of the most difficult parts of dealing with infidelity, and certainly is the most overlooked.  The steps to recovery are fairly straightforward and fairly narrow. They are outlined below:

~~~

Complete Honesty. Each of you must learn to be honest, in a way that is respectful and courteous, about all the events in your life. This includes how you feel about things that each of you does. Your hopes, dreams, and plans. And is particularly necessary in terms of accountability. You each need to know where the other one is and what you are doing 24/7. There can no longer be the opportunity for one of you to have a secret second life. This is one of the conditions that allows an affair to flourish.

Eliminating things that hurt each other: This is where we look at things that each one does that either hurts or annoys their spouse. This ranges from abuse to simple habits that drive you wild.

Doing things to make each other happy: Being honest and eliminating hurtful things will stop the pain. And then in order to restore love to the marriage you both must re learn what it is that reach of you needs to feel happy and fulfilled in the marriage, and then find ways to enjoy doing those things.

Time as a couple: The primary reason marriages fall apart and lose the intimate connection is that couples stop spending time together as a couple. They do things with their kids or their friends and families. But to maintain, or rebuild, the feelings of love men and women in romantic relationships need to have time for just them. And they must spend that time doing things that they both enjoy.

Creating a way of life that is good for both of you at the same time: You do this by making all your decisions in a way taking each other's feelings into account.

~~~

In my coaching practice I walk couples through this process, helping them learn the skills to be successful in their marriages. Full recovery takes about two years, depending on where you are in the process. At the end of that time trust should be restored and couples should report feeling in love and happy in the marriage.

Please let me know if what else I can help you with, and if you can send me the answers to the questions above I'll give you my thoughts on some things you can do now.

All the best!
Penny R. Tupy

Penny,
My husband doesn't see the child, he does pay child support and to my knowledge he has no contact with the mother.

The past rises to the surface when my husband and I talk about special events that we shared during that time of the affair. The past also comes up when I talk with my friends and it could be one word that is said that puts it back in my head. Such as if I hear her name or the child’s name.

Knowing that the child is 3 years old, I can't get it out of my head that the child is going to be asking questions and possibly wanting to know his father. I know someday that will happen and I don't know how I will be able to cope with it. The other woman was also married and had two children with her husband.  I'm not sure if they are still married.
J

Hi J,
The best way to deal with resentment is to avoid entirely the things that trigger it. However it's not possible to avoid some things, such as hearing a name in conversation. In that case I would say your best option would be to have an alternative line of thought ready to go. So when your mind starts wandering down that memory path, have something else ready that you can turn your attention to. Plan it, so you are prepared.

For example, if you like gardening, then when your mind wants to take you someplace painful, turn your attention to your garden... What do you want to plant, do you need to buy seeds, check the soil? Find something pleasant, and then make a conscious effort to think about that instead of the pain. It takes concentration and practice but in time you’ll find it becomes much easier to do.

If you are in conversation with someone, don't let your mind linger on the name and then take off with thoughts of the affair. Focus extra hard on the conversation at hand.  And of course, don't talk about the affair… it only makes you feel bad.

Reminiscing about the past with your husband is a difficult one. You want to remember the good times, but not if they are all tied up with the bad ones. For now, I would say avoid those topics. I think you might find when you get farther along in recovery they may not be so triggering.

Yes, it is possible that the child will want to know his father at some time in the future. How you handle that is a decision that the two of you should make together, being considerate of each other's feelings.

Let me know if that helps, and if there is anything else I can answer for you.

All the best!
Penny