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Hi Penny-
I found your website and decided to send you a note and ask for your opinion.

This is my 3rd marriage. I met my current husband through some friends, after my second marriage ended. (My husband was unfaithful for years.) We met on a blind date and starting dating. He lived three hours away so when we decided to get married, I sold my house, left my family and moved myself and my daughter to be with him.

We have been through some rocky times over the years with my "ex" over custody of my daughter, support, you name it. Thankfully, we made it through and now my daughter is 19 and very independent. However, she and my husband can get into some pretty heated fights and guess who ends up in the middle every time! I know that's bound to happen taking into consideration her age but it gets pretty stressful at times.

I get the feeling he'd be happier if she would move out. But, I wouldn't! Not until she's ready and able, anyway!

My husband and I are always fighting over money...the fact that we never have any. We both work and make pretty decent salaries. He does the bills and I'm sure he's doing everything he can, but I always get a lecture about how we don't have the money to do anything.

My daughter and I are both on antidepressants but my doctor keeps asking us why he's not taking something. I have tried to talk to him about his numerous panic and anxiety attacks but he refuses to seek help. It's now to the point where I love him, but I don't feel like I'm in love with him. The physical attraction is pretty much gone. We just celebrated our 12th anniversary on Sunday but it wasn't much of a celebration.

I guess what I'm asking is do I need to continue to strive for help? Maybe I'm passed that now...I don't know. All I know is sex is not important to me. I know it is to him but my attraction to him isn't there anymore. We've been though so many ups and downs, which I know happens in all marriages but he cannot make a decision to save his life.

When we bought our house, we looked at several. He told me it was up to me. So we bought it, moved in and then he told me he hated the house. Same thing with the refrigerator we just purchased. It's maddening. When I talk to him about it, he gets defensive. He makes me feel guilty about every dime I spend on something he doesn't feel is worthy. He makes me feel guilty when I want to go to see my family (that I left for him) It goes on and on and on and I don't know what to do now to fix it.

I have made it on my own before and I'm really not afraid to try it again. I just hate to hurt him. It just seems that he's not willing to accept the fact that there are doctors and prescriptions that can help. I'm just afraid after all this time, it may be too late for me. Any suggestions or opinions are greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much for your time!!!

L

Hi L,
Some stats you might be interested in: First marriages, in this country, end in divorce at a rate of something like 47%.  Popular thought tells us that we make better choices or learn from our mistakes in future marriages, but the numbers don't bear that out. Second and subsequent marriages end in divorce at a rate of anywhere from 65%-80%... depending on how you calculate it and which studies you look at. Marriages that occur as the result of an affair, which you don't say that yours did - but it's interesting nonetheless, are estimated to have a divorce rate of something approaching 85%!

So, there are lots of theories on why those numbers are the way they are,  I think it's a combination of a lot of things. First, as you know, when you have children from a prior relationship the feelings between the step-parent and the child never have the same depth as in a biological relationship. That's not to say there aren't excellent committed step-parents out there, there are, but the dynamics of the parent/couple/child relationships are more complex. You will almost always be more willing to go the extra mile, take on the extra sacrifice for your child.

Second, being in a second marriage myself, my personal thought is that once you've lived through a divorce and the shattering of the happily-ever-after dream you tend to gravitate towards leaving as a solution to problems, rather than having a deep commitment to sticking it out no matter what.

Ok, having said all that, let's go back to the basics.

In marriage, everything we do affects how our spouse feels and how they feel about us. So the decisions we make are the crucial deciding factors in determining both whether or not we have feeling of love for each other, and whether or not we remain compatible throughout the years.

There are two main divisions of how we cause pain in marriage. The first is what I call neglect. Not doing the things your partner needs to find happiness in the marriage. For women this tends to be affection and conversation (to name just a couple), and for men it tends to be sex and recreation. When our needs go unmet we feel unloved, frustrated, lonely, empty.... you get the idea.

The other way we cause pain are by the actions we take that our partner finds objectionable or offensive in some way. This runs the gamut from abuse and control to addictions, affairs, on to hobbies and annoying personal habits. That's why I'm so adamant that the foundation of a truly happy marriage must be making our choices in a way that is good for both spouses.

Alright, so that brings us to you and your family. Teenagers are generally speaking not fun creatures to live with (We've survived two kids making it into their 20's, have 2 other teenagers, one 12yo, and a couple small ones.... so I know all about life with teenagers!) I personally would rather live with a wild elephant most days than with a teenage girl. Beautiful, brilliant and talented beyond compare, and masters at guilt trips, whining, and manipulating to get their way. Teenage girls can come between a couple so fast you won't know what hit you!

So the way to address that it to take a united stand. You and your husband need to agree that neither of you will make a decision or take an action (either positive or negative, this includes discipline too) unless you are both thrilled with all aspects of it. And until you reach that point, nothing happens. Literally, nothing. He doesn't discipline her in any way, and you don't give her anything she asks for until you both agree that you are happy with the decision.

This does two things. First, it eliminates any resentment you feel when your spouse takes action knowing that doing so is something you oppose. (The resentment you feel from the things you don't get to do  is something you need to deal with on your own.) Secondly, it forces you to learn to negotiate fairly and with respect in order to get what you want. If you agree that you both need to be happy with the outcome.... grudging agreement is not acceptable... then the motivation to beef up those negotiating skills is pretty high.

The same is true of how you make financial decisions in your marriage. I would encourage you to become involved in the entire process of seeing how much income you have and how it is currently being spent. Like you, I'm sure that your husband does a fine job, and if you are truly to understand his concerns and his point of view, you'll need to see it from his perspective.

That would be my first suggestion regarding money. Get educated about how the finances are currently handled. Next would be to apply the same process that I suggested regarding your daughter to any expenditure you make. Both of you must be in wholehearted agreement or the money doesn't move.

Learning to apply this concept is difficult at the outset. Especially if you have become very incompatible over the years by making independent decisions that don't take each other's feelings into account. But I promise that if you commit to this process it gets easier the more you do it, and you'll find that the there is no room for resentment to take root in your marriage.

There's more I could go into about meeting needs and weeding out the things that hurt each other, but it seems to me from what you write that it's the decisions you are making that are really causing the loss of love for you.

All the best!
Penny R. Tupy
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