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Penny,
It is very difficult to sum up our problem in an email, but I'll try….

My husband and I have been together for 9 years… Over the past, I'd say, 3 years, as the children are getting it is becoming more and more difficult to find alone time together.

When we try to find time to make love, it is either, not a good time, we are interrupted by kids or one of us (usually myself) is too tired.  My husband seems very resentful of this and acts as though he blames me for it. I am not satisfied with "sneaking in a quickie" just to "do it." I want time to enjoy each other.

He usually gets a snack and heads for the TV as the children are leaving. My husband has said that I should be addressing his needs as soon as the kids leave the house and just before my baby wakes up. I think this is a little selfish because I am absolutely worn out after an hour and a half of looking for matches to socks and packing lunches, after all he has done is snack and hang out.

It's not like I do not want to be with him…..I do, but I have it in the back of my mind that if we start something, my youngest will wake up in the middle of it and that will be then end of that. I have asked him to go on a weekend with me every now and again, but he seems to think that is no substitute for having regular sex….and that we should be doing "it" 3 to 4 times a week…….In a perfect world, we would!

The thing that upsets me about this the most is that he doesn't seem to see that we are in this together and that it is not "my fault." I would love to have hours to spend in bed the way we used to….but it's just not possible. Is he being selfish or am I?

NP

Hi NP,
This is probably one of the most challenging things couples face on a day to day basis. If you've read any of my articles or newsletters, you might know that I strongly recommend that couples spend at least 15 hours a week together, doing things they both enjoy. Alone.

Should I have asked you to brace yourself first? Yes, I did mean 15 hours a week. And yes, I know how very hard that is. (We have 4 still at home: 17,12,10,8)

The thing that you will have to ask yourselves is which of the activities that you (or your children) are now involved in is more important than the health and happiness of your marriage. I'm sure if you think about it at all, you'll have to agree that none of them are.

So my first suggestion to you is for you to sit down together and take a good hard look at your commitments. Be ruthless and eliminate the activities that each of you does independently. (Bowling, volleyball, gym time, PTA, other committees, you get the idea.) Then fill that time with activities that each of you will enjoy doing together. Dinner out, walks, sports, concerts, playing cards, dancing, etc.

Now I realize this might be a hard sell to your husband, so I would approach it as a trial thing. "Honey, I'd like to spend more time with you, for the next 2 weeks could we agree to do ____ instead of blank?" See what he has to say, and then let me know.

So you need to find a way to schedule love making. Yeah, I know that sounds cold and non romantic. But for many people that's how it was when they were dating and it seemed to work just fine.

Is there anyone, family, friend, that would be willing to watch your youngest for a few hours a couple times a week? Can you trade some child care time? Can you be creative about making that time at different hours?

One of the primary principles for restoring or enhancing marriage is that everything we do in marriage affects how our spouse feels and how he/she feels about us. Couples must learn to make ALL their decisions in a way that takes both or your feelings into account, and is good for both of you.

It sounds like you are unhappy with how he chooses to allocate his time when he gets home from work.

The other thing it's important to understand is that we cannot demand anything from our partner. We can ask politely for what we want and need, but to demand is not ok.

Currently it sounds as if he is demanding that you meet his need for sex, regardless of how you feel about it at the time. If you are going to resolve this conflict in a way that does not damage your marriage you'll need to negotiate a solution that works for both of you. And he will need to learn how to ask without demanding.

All of these things take time and a plan to put into action, but it can be done.

Men generally need sex the way we need conversation. Three or four times a week is about what I hear from most men. What I do in coaching is help them to understand that if they want that need to be met, then they need to do what it takes to make it possible for their wives to enjoy it as well. If that means carving out some alone time, assisting with the childcare, or whatever... then they need to learn to do those things. It's a partnership. If a husband is asking for a need such as sex to be met, then he needs to be willing to give in return.

The trap that I wouldn't want you to fall into would be to trade grudgingly. 'I'll have sex with you right now, even though I'm not thrilled with the idea, and you help me with the laundry later, even if the thought makes you cringe.' No, you must find a solution that you are both happy with at the same time.

Neither and both of you are being selfish. You are polarized instead of using your combined intelligence to find a solution that works for both of you. What you need to do is to look at the whole picture and then find some creative ways to get those chores out of the way and to find some alone time for making love.

It seems that you have some pretty straightforward issues to deal with. Let me know how I can help you more.

Best to you!!
Penny
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