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Recovery - A Story © Penny R. Tupy 2003

As I’m sure you’ve heard me say many times before. Almost all affairs end. And as you’ve no doubt heard me say, most marriages that are struck by infidelity don’t end as a result of the affair, they end when the conditions that led to the affair are not addressed. When that happens, as it does in most cases of infidelity, couples bumble around for months or years never really finding a connection to each other, not reestablishing romantic love, and not finding fulfillment in their marriage. Eventually they either divorce or drift apart living separate lives. The risk of a repeat affair is very high.

Even though that is the sad state of most post infidelity marriages, it doesn’t need to happen that way. Real recovery is possible. Recovery which is defined by restoring romantic love, reestablishing trust, and finally by forgiveness. The steps to getting there are difficult and often times painful but the alternative is far more difficult and tragic. So what are those steps? Where does a couple begin to pick up the pieces of shattered love and trust? And how do they put those pieces back together to form a picture of a marriage that is very different from the one they knew prior to the affair?

To answer those questions I’ve decided to tell the story of a real couple who are working at recovering their marriage; doing all the right things, and struggling with the issues most couples face.

This is a true story of a couple I’ve worked with. Names and identifying details are changed to protect their privacy, but the story is true. It highlights so well the steps that make a successful recovery. My thanks to them both for letting me tell their story.

Matthew and Lisa were married less than a year when Lisa began an affair with a coworker. When Matthew discovered the affair and angrily confronted his wife, she left their home in a huff, moving in with a family member. A few months after she left and after trying to entice her to come home, Matthew sent her a letter stating his love for her and stating as well that until her affair was over he could no longer interact with her. Matthew loved his wife dearly, but he could no longer put up with the pain of the affair, and he was tired of feeling that he was enabling her betrayal of him and of their marriage.

She responded by filing for divorce.

It was about that time that I met Matthew. We talked a little about his situation, but given where it was at that time, separated and with no contact, there wasn’t much I could offer. He had done all the right things and taken all the right steps to end the affair. You might think that there was no hope at this point, but as I see every day, love is a miracle that works its magic in our lives.

Just as Matthew was beginning to lose hope and to think of simply going ahead with the divorce, he got a message from Lisa. She wanted to talk. And talk she did. She told Matthew that she had ended her relationship with her lover, and that she was willing to do whatever it took to save their marriage and to return home.

Matthew called me, and we got to work. And make no doubt about it, it is work! The first obstacle was not what to do with Lisa it was what to do with Matthew. He had worked so hard for so long to save his marriage, hurt so much in the process, and was now making peace with the idea that it was over. Matthew was ready to move on. This new development meant that he would need to go back to that place of uncertainty and pain; that he would need to revisit all the issues that he was prepared to pack away. So the first step in recovery was gathering up the courage to take that leap.

When Matthew called me, we talked about the first steps Lisa would need to take to show him that this was for real. He was very fearful that if he agreed to reconcile, Lisa would do the same thing again in the future, or that she would simply restart the affair with her coworker. I suggested interim checkpoints for him…. along the lines of a “go/no-go” decision that could be addressed more than once. Since Lisa was not living at home during this time, we established that she would not move home until she agreed to certain conditions and proved that she would follow through.

The first condition was that she needed to quit her job as soon as possible and to end all contact forever with her lover. This was the first and the biggest of the go/no-go checkpoints.

She gave notice immediately, and even skipped her last day of work to avoid the possibility of seeing the lover who was returning from a business trip.

Next Matthew asked her to give him all her phone and email passwords so he could verify that she was not contacting the former lover. He agreed to share all that information with her as well creating a state of complete openness in their marriage regarding communications with others.

They each agreed to be accountable to the other regarding their time and whereabouts.

This was particularly difficult for Lisa, living away from home, unemployed, and with lots of free time. She was excellent about calling Matthew with her schedule and with letting him know where she was at all times. She even went so far as to make sure she called from her hosts’ home phone so that he could verify that she was where she said she was by the number on his caller ID.

Honesty loomed as a large obstacle in Matthew’s eyes. He had been lied to and betrayed for many months, and he had questions and fears that didn’t seem to end. Lisa agreed to answer all his questions as completely as possible. This is essential if the marriage is to recover.

This is a very touchy subject for both parties following an affair. Matthew had things he needed to know, things he deserved to know, and at the same time if they were to move along this path of recovery he needed to ask for and receive information in a way that was not destructive. I suggested he make a list of all the things he wanted to know about the affair, and that they meet in a public place to discuss his questions. At their request, I met with them as facilitator and support.

Both Matthew and Lisa handled this incredibly difficult meeting with grace and dignity that would have been amazing in a couple twice their age. Matthew managed to hear the details of the affair without losing his temper or making derogatory statements about his wife. Lisa put on a cloak of courage that I have rarely seen equaled and answered completely questions that I know were embarrassing and terrifying. Neither knew if the other would still want to save the marriage when this meeting was over. It was one of those miracles of love that they stared the ugliness of the affair in the face and then agreed to take the next step in the direction of restoring their marriage.

Although the affair was over, and Lisa was no longer working with her affair partner, there needed to be a definite closure. With Matthew, Lisa wrote a letter to the other man, stating her commitment to her marriage, definitively telling him the affair was over, and asking that he never contact her again. They took the letter to the mailbox together.

It was at this point, when the affair had been completely ended, no contact ever in the future was agreed to, measures for accountability were in place, and the details of the affair were in the open that this couple felt they were really beginning to recover their marriage. Now comes the hard work of picking up the pieces and creating a whole new picture of what their marriage would look like. They knew they didn’t want to return to the marriage they had before, and they knew they needed help to create a marriage that was fulfilling and joyful for each of them.

The first step towards that goal was once again, honesty. What things were not working for each of them in the past? What hurt? What did they need that they didn’t get from the other? In addition to that information, Matthew and Lisa needed to learn how to be honest about all aspects of their lives, particularly how they felt about the things the other one did.

Once we had that information pathway open, we began to talk about the things either of them did that was objectionable to the other. Lisa liked to spend a little too freely, and Matthew tended to be disrespectful of Lisa’s ideas and opinions.

They worked together to create strategies to address those things. Lisa agreed to shop only when Matthew was with her or to purchase only the things they both agreed on. Matthew worked to change how he expressed his opinions and to listen more to Lisa’s viewpoint. In turn, she now speaks up when she feels her thoughts are being invalidated so that Matthew can know what to avoid in the future.

With the elimination of things that were painful under way we began to turn our attention more and more to what things would make them happy. As they found they could be together and not get hurt they looked forward more and more to meeting each others needs in the marriage.

Once again, this step requires a courageous level of honesty. Both Matthew and Lisa began to talk about the things they needed in the marriage, and in what way they needed those things. Lisa expressed a need for affection which is a nearly universal need for women. But it’s also a pretty generic statement. What Matthew needed to know was what things in particular would meet that need for her.

Matthew expressed a strong need for honesty of all kinds. For those who have never experienced the infidelity of a spouse, his need might seem controlling and obsessive, but this was his way of feeling safe and protected after the betrayal and the lies of the affair. Lisa went out of her way to be as open and sharing as possible with every aspect of her life in order to help Matthew regain a feeling of safety. I assured them both that in time the deep suspicion and fear he was feeling would pass.

Like many husbands, Matthew also has a strong need for sex in the marriage.

This issue proved to be extremely difficult because he was haunted by visions of Lisa with her affair partner. When they became physically intimate he was often overwhelmed with anger and pain. We talked about letting Lisa know what was happening, in a way that was both honest and respectful. I urged them both to understand that this too would pass, and it would do so sooner if they continued to spend time together rebuilding the connection they once shared and if they made a commitment to keeping the affair in the past as much as possible.

Spending time together as a couple is the element that ties it all together. Even with being honest, eliminating painful behaviors, and attempting to do those things each needs to be happy, without adequate time as a couple recovery never really gets off the ground.

And finally Matthew and Lisa took their newfound habit of honesty to the next level. They used the information they shared and received to make decisions that were good for both of them. No longer would there be choices made about their lives that felt good for one but hurt the other.

Recovery is a process. It’s a process that lasts for the rest of your life. At first it’s difficult and frightening, but as the days and then the months and years go on couples who are dedicated to making it work will find that walking this path becomes second nature. Intimate relationships are never conflict free. There is always another issue just around the corner waiting to rock the boat. It’s not the substance of the conflict that makes or breaks the marriage it’s the way in which it is handled.

Matthew finally invited Lisa to move back into their home. At this writing they are negotiating how that will work and what steps they need to take so that they each feel comfortable reintegrating their lives. Matthew and Lisa did all the right things once the affair was ended. It hasn’t been easy, and I’ve had more than a few panicked phone calls and emails. But they continue to hang in there day after day, working the process, growing together, recreating a love they once shared.

Here then are the steps that outline the process of recovery:

• First and foremost, the affair must end. There must be a verifiable promise that the unfaithful spouse will never see or speak to the affair partner again.
• Honesty
• Accountability / time, whereabouts, money
• Eliminating behaviors and habits that are painful for either spouse
• Incorporating new behaviors that make each other happy
• Putting it all together by making time alone as a couple a priority

It takes up to two years for a couple to get through the most difficult steps of recovery. After that it’s a matter of staying on track and keeping the marriage as a top priority in life. It also happens that after about two years that the faithful spouse finds that the deep suspicion and distrust dissipates. Forgiveness (which I differentiate from letting go of bitterness and resentment, and which should be done as soon as possible) almost naturally occurs at this time as well.

The need for honesty and accountability goes on forever, couples should be aware that we can all fall into the nightmare of infidelity. By keeping our lives open to each other we can avoid even the beginnings of that tragedy. I tell couples that they should distrust themselves and their partner, knowing that we are all capable of having an affair. A few well placed precautions can prevent falling into that trap.