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Divorce Is Not the Same As Unmarried

I specialize in infidelity, so by nature the clients that I have are under tremendous strain and anxiety. Their marriages appear to be DOA when the find their way to my door and yet, in spite of the appearances of death, people come to me for hope in reviving and restoring their relationship with their mate. But eventually, almost without fail, the day will come when my client will call me insisting that they need to file for a divorce in order to get the straying partner out of their life so the pain will finally stop.

As an advocate for the marriage I do what I can to encourage them to take care of themselves, detach from what their spouse is doing, and stay in the marriage. But the conversations that I have around that entire topic have triggered some thoughts about marriage, divorce, covenants, and the unmaking of such.

Marriage is a covenant. A solemn promise given with one's word of honor. Major religions view it as such and most of us still get married in a religious rite of some kind. The promises that we make form something bigger than the sum of the bride and groom. A marriage becomes a thing in and of itself, created from two but embodying a oneness. Swirling the essences of two human beings into an energy all its own. Intimacy in way that is unknowable until one has lived it.

If that is the case then there is more to becoming unmarried than a simple piece of paper signed by a judge and filed with the county court. A divorce decree can sever the legal commitment and attachment. Property and assets can be divided up in a way that is cut and dried – finalized with a few transactions and a couple of signatures. But a marriage is more than a legal contract. If it were not then we would not see the outpouring of political action on the part of the gay and lesbian communities asking to be granted the right to marry.

Becoming unmarried means taking apart the covenant. Reclaiming one's own energy and giving back that of the former mate. That's not so easy to do when a marriage ends with anger, hurt, recriminations or just plain sadness, as most do. Becoming unmarried means detaching emotionally, physically, and spiritually from the spouse. If there are children involved it becomes virtually impossible to achieve all three of those layers of detachment. Physical attachment will linger as long as the children live. Emotional attachment goes very deep even in the most painful relationships and we carry that attachment with us beyond the untying of the legal bond. Spiritual attachment… ahhh…. that is the heart of the covenant and the hardest to undo. I'm not sure it's possible for most people to achieve.

When we are hurting in our marriages, like anywhere else, it is only natural that we look for a way to escape the pain. Society paints divorce as a somewhat unpleasant but generally easy way out of marital difficulty. It's not. There is no easy way out. The dynamics we have created with our spouses rarely change once the piece of paper is filed at the courthouse. Couples still argue over the care of the children, still obsess about the affair partner and the relationship the former spouse has with them, still need to negotiate about holidays and family events. Divorce does not remove the connection from our hearts or our lives.

The only things that change when a divorce is finalized are a few financial details and perhaps where each person lives. That's it. The pain, the loss, the frustration, the ongoing dealings with that person remains much the same until we undo the covenant. Achieving that requires difficult internal personal work and a shift in consciousness. Probably as much or more work than staying in the marriage. Interesting thought, staying in the marriage…

Penny

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