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What if Divorce Was Not An Option?

© Penny R. Tupy 2003

Imagine if you will that you have suddenly dropped into some parallel universe where divorce is not an option. A parallel universe where there are no divorce attorneys, no divorce courts, no online divorces, no multi billion dollar industry spewing misinformation about the ease and effects of divorce.

What if you had to stay married? What if the option to end the marriage did not exist? What would change about how you look at your marriage and how you interact with your spouse?

It wasn't so long ago in our country where this was exactly the case and there are still Catholic countries around the world where obtaining a divorce is very difficult. We here in the US who think ourselves more "civilized" and more "advanced" are horrified by that thought. And yet, the concept of commitment when the going gets tough is not entirely lost on us. One cannot simply walk away from the military because we no longer "feel like" being there. Try it and you'll be court marshaled. Society has very little tolerance for parents who neglect or abandon their children because child rearing isn't all fun and games – balloons and butterflies.

Frank Pitmann, a well know marriage researcher, says, "Marriage isn't supposed to make you happy, it's supposed to make you married…" What a mind bending thought. What if marriage was forever and it was up to each of us to do whatever it took to make it work? That might change our perspective and our motivation. If we want to be happy, and leaving the marriage is not an option, then it would seem to me that there would be ample motivation to buckle down and figure what needs to be done – and then to do it.

Then take that thought one step further and consider that the only person's actions and behavior any of us can control is our own. We can whine all we want about whatever it is our spouse is or is not doing, but in the end, the only one we can change is ourself. What would we have to do to make things better in our marriages?

It starts with putting aside our fear and being honest about how we feel and what we want. But that honesty must be wrapped carefully in courtesy and respect for the dignity of our mate. And it must be delivered gently with care in the calmest manner possible. And, it must be a statement about you and your feelings – not an opinion on your mate and his or her (as you perceive them) failings. I would guess just this step would be a radical departure from the communication that occurs in many if not most marriages.

Next, it would be up to us to become skilled at negotiating. Most of us, when we think of negotiating, think about trying to get what we want. But that's not it at all. Negotiating is figuring out what two parties want and need – really understanding that as well as you possibly can – and then finding ways to combine those things into a solution that works for both. That solution might not look like anything either of you had your hearts set on at the outset, but it will be one that you are both content and happy with.

For most of you, this idea of divorce not being an option will never become reality. Thanks to our legislators and the people who profit from divorce its availability is here to stay. But take a peek into my life for a minute. For me this is a very real concept. I cannot come to you and my clients day after day and argue the staggeringly tragic effects of divorce, beg and plead with you to do whatever it takes to save your marriages, if in the back of my mind I contemplate this option in my own life. It would hypocritical in the extreme. If I want to continue this work that I love and that I feel so passionately about then I need to live it. In my life, divorce truly is not an option. And that one internal shift made all the difference for me.

What would it take for you to `behave as if' in yours?

Penny