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Open Letter to an Unfaithful Parent

Guest Writer

I received this today from a former client, friend, and future mentor for SYMC. I had another topic in mind for my daily Musing on Marriage, but this struck me with such force that I needed to share it with as many people as possible. So with her permission, it is printed here. Read with your hearts, have the tissue handy, and please – pass this on.

For the Children,
Penny

© Carol Lewis 2003

I want to speak with you about your child, who is seriously hurting over this entire situation. I believe that you believe your spouse has said things to your child to poison her opinion of you. While I do not doubt that your child has probably overheard some things she should not have (because kids tend to do that) I also want you to know that your spouse has been making a real effort to avoid doing anything of the sort.

Your child is also the child, and as the parent, you need to be understanding of what is going on and take the initiative in fixing it. While I am not the expert on your child, I want to give you some thoughts on this.

You left your children. You didn't just leave your mate. You no longer live with your children, and trust me (I've been there) they will feel the pinch. I hear children all the time say 'when mommy left us' and, 'when daddy divorced us'.

Oh, now most adults will say, "What quaint children. Poor things, they don't understand. It isn't about them." Children understand more than you think, and it is about them. I think it is adults who forget sometimes what it is to be a child and to deal with situations as a child.

What your child knows is that you no longer live with her. She knows that when his homework needs to be done, you are not there to help - you are somewhere else.

When he comes home with an A, you are not there to celebrate with him. When something hurts, you aren't there to ease the pain. When he is scared, you aren't there to comfort and reassure him. When he does something bad, you aren't there to discipline and correct the behavior.

When she goes to bed at night, you aren't there for a goodnight hug, kiss, or to tuck her in. You aren't there when she gets hungry, thirsty, or tired.

Those are truths. I'm not seeking to judge here, honestly I am not. Your child also knows that the reason you are not there is because you have chosen, instead, to be with someone else. Even children are smart enough to draw the conclusion of where they are on the priority list from this information...and it hurts.

She sees her other parent hurting and her family deteriorating and what she sees is that you left the family. For her it isn't about the marriage, it is about her family - her father and mother and the unit she has grown to understand was her shelter - blowing up and that it is no longer there for her.

He is very hurt, and he is very angry. The sad thing from this is that you can never go back in your relationship with your child. He can never UN-know what he now knows. The past cannot be erased. It will never be the same, but it can be repaired and go on to be something loving, rewarding, and great. In order for this to happen, you need to listen to his feelings without invalidating them and telling him that they are wrong. You need to understand, and to apologize for what has hurt your child.

This is just my humble opinion, but I would like for you to consider seriously what I have said.

Carol

(This is so moving that I will be sending it out to the entire SYMC eZine list as well - some of you might see it more than once. Take the opportunity to pass it on. Penny)