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October 2002 eNewsletter

Honesty in Marriage

Please forward this to your married and soon to be married friends and family!!

Honesty is perhaps one of the most basic needs in marriage. Without honesty, problems that may destroy the relationship can lie hidden for years, building momentum, creating blocks to intimacy, and then suddenly surfacing larger than life to wreak destruction in your marriage.

Honesty is the foundation upon which all other aspects of marriage are built. With honesty you know exactly how your actions will affect your mate, and you can make the necessary adjustments to accommodate his or her feelings.

With honesty, you and your spouse are aware of each other’s weaknesses, and can work with that knowledge. Knowing and understanding the thoughtless things you might be inclined to do, allows you to take precautions to prevent that from happening. “But we are honest!” you say?

How honest are you? Is there a line you can draw which marks where a little bit of secrecy turns into dishonesty? Is there such a thing as mostly honest?

Being honest is like being pregnant, or alive. You either are, or you’re not. There is no half way, no mostly, about any of those things. In marriage, partners must learn to become completely honest with each other if they are to achieve true intimacy.

Here’s a little quiz. Do you, or have you, shared the following information with your spouse? Do you know the same sorts of things about him or her in return?
Your past. Does your mate know all there is to know about: former lovers, friends, occupations, dreams, mistakes, achievements, failures?
Your feelings. How do you feel about the events of your life? Especially your reactions to the things that your mate does? How do you feel about the life you have created together?
Today. What are your plans for the day? Who will you see, what will you talk about, where will you go, when will you be home, how can you be reached?
Tomorrow. What are your hopes and dreams and plans? What are your goals?
Anything left unasked above. Does your spouse know as much as you do about yourself?

Well now, I can just see you shaking your heads in disbelief. She must be crazy to think that I would share my past failures, or the fact that my spouse’s job really annoys me. Talking about those things would just cause a fight to end all fights.

But is it the honesty that causes the argument, or is it the things you have been hiding? Is it speaking the truth, or is it the manner in which you deliver the message? Which brings us to a couple of points that need to be touched upon. First, how well do you handle your spouse’s honesty? Do you become upset, yell, threaten, or criticize when your partner shares difficult information? If so, then you are fostering dishonesty in your marriage.

You would be well advised to make a practice of thanking your spouse for whatever information he or she shares. If it is too difficult at the time for you to handle the things your spouse is sharing with you, then express your thanks and ask for some time to process what you’ve heard.

When you share information with your partner, do you do it in a way that is calm, respectful and pleasant? Saying something like, “You lazy thing, all you ever do is sit around and look at trash on tv, you never do anything to keep the house up,” is not being honest. It’s being rude and disrespectful. Saying instead, “I’m overwhelmed with things I’d like to get done, and I’m wondering if there’s a way you would be willing to help me out?” is honest and respectful.

Honesty needs to be framed in a way that is respectful of how the other person feels. This is not to say that you should not convey information that might be upsetting. It simply means that you must do so in a way that is as considerate as possible.

One of the things that I emphasize strongly with couples that come to me for help, is the practice of sharing with their spouses, their own reactions to his or her behavior.

So often we are afraid to tell our mate that he or she has offended us in some way. Frequently it was something done in innocence, and we want to overlook it. Unfortunately, when we do that, our feelings for our partner are adversely affected. And we deprive them of the ability to make necessary adjustments in their behavior to take our feelings into account.

If you have very difficult information that you have been withholding from your spouse, then you might want to consider enlisting the help of a professional. Things such as past or current infidelity are incredibly hard to confess, and even harder to hear. Sharing with the help of a caring third party can ease the process.

Honesty is the bedrock of marriage. It is essential for trust, for building compatibility, for creating a way of life that you both enjoy, and for maintaining the feelings of love in marriage. If you are serious about saving your marriage, or about keeping alive the love you have now, you must begin with real and complete honesty.

If you would like one on one assistance in implementing these concepts into your marriage call me at 1.877.416.2657

Penny’s Thoughts

Welcome to the premier issue of Save Your Marriage Central’s monthly newsletter. I can tell you that it’s a lot of work, and it’s a labor of love.

Each month will focus on a particular aspect of marriage. We’ll look at the things we need to do in order to make our partners happy, or the things we should avoid in so that we can avoid being the cause of their pain.

This month’s focus is on honesty. Without honesty, other marital issues cannot be adequately addressed.

Please be sure to read our Guest Writer’s story beginning on page 4. It is phenomenal, and a better message than any I could give. PRT...

Movie Review: Sweet Home Alabama

Reese Witherspoon, as clothing designer Melanie Carmichael, is by turns both touching and exasperating in this romantic comedy that my husband, and every man I know, referred to as a chick flick.

The movie opens with the most romantic of marriage proposals. Mel’s politically well placed boyfriend Andrew, played by Patrick Dempsey, pulls out all the stops to entice her to marry him.

Men out there struggling to meet your wife’s need for affection would be well advised to take notes! No, you don’t need to spend that kind of cash, but the effort and the thought go a long way towards making her feel special.

The only thing standing in the way of happily ever after for this up and coming New York couple is a little fact Mel forgot to mention………. She’s already married! To her high school sweetheart, Jake Smooter (Josh Lucas), Mel and Jake have a friendship/love relationship that dates back to their childhood. A relationship that she walked out on when Jake didn’t live up to her expectations as a husband. She returns to Alabama to force Jake to finalize the divorce at last. But it is there that the adventure begins.

The movie is a showpiece for honesty, or the lack of it. Melanie is caught up in her own web of lies and fabrications. Only by coming clean does she hear what her heart really desires. For the savvy viewer, there are many lessons on love and marriage. I won’t give away the ending, but I’d encourage anyone looking for a light hearted reminder of what’s important in relationships to check it out. Men, you might enjoy it even without a car chase!

Candice Bergen as Andrew’s mother is priceless. And the humor is well done.

I give this movie three and a half hearts out of five, for fun and for being marriage friendly.

Recreation Alley Fun Ideas for Fall

This is a list of things that my family and I would find fun during this time of year. I hope that by reading it, your own creativity will be awakened, that you’ll add your own ideas, and that you’ll be inspired to DO one or more!!

Hayride… do it yourself or find a place that offers one
Pick apples, pumpkins, squash, gourds, leaves, grapes,
Have a party.. Hallowe’en, harvest, leaf viewing, cabin closing, bonfire, just for fun
Make a corn shock, harder than it looks!
Go to an old time harvest exhibit
Camp out one last time, even if it’s just in the backyard
Rake the leaves and jump in the pile. Take lots of pictures
Take a boat ride, enjoy the scenery
Go to a park, have a picnic, wear layers if it’s chilly
Visit a fall festival
Visit a winery, enjoy the samples
Make jelly, the house smells great!
Go trick or treating
Paint faces on pumpkins or gourds
Stay up late and watch the stars come out
Collect food for the food shelf
Visit another part of the country, compare how the season is the same or different
Give thanks for your loved ones

Romancing YOUR Marriage™

Workshops are available for your group or organization in Minnesota and Western Wisconsin. For more information call 877.416.2657

Caution: Cooler Weather Can Be Hazardous to Your Marriage

I love fall. It’s my favorite time of year. I love that the days are cooler and drier, that the leaves are beginning to turn. I love the incredible blue of the sky and smell of leaves as they fall to the earth and return to the soil.

But as the weather turns cooler, difficulties that may have lain dormant in marriages, begin to heat up. Especially if you live in a climate where the swings in temperature are more evident.

For couples to create and maintain feelings of romantic love, they must spend their time together in activities they both enjoy.

During the summer time activities and recreational ideas abound. Camping, carnivals, fairs, parks, picnics, sunbathing, boating, amusement parks, festivals, are just a very few of the activities that are available during the summer time.

But as the weather cools, the abundance of easy access, free, fun activities dries up. Along with that, come the big hunting and shopping seasons. Couples who spent the summer having their most enjoyable times together, are now engaged in separate activities. Adding to the problem is the fact that the activities one or the other is pursuing is most likely something that annoys their spouse.

Couples must be diligent to make certain the choices they make about how they spend their time takes their partner’s feelings into account. For romantic love to flourish, husbands and wives must spend time together having fun. It would be in the best interest of the marriage to drop recreational pursuits that are done separately, and to find ones that they can enjoy together.

As the season turns cooler, don’t let the romance fade. Take the time to plan activities that you can enjoy together. It’s best if those are things that allow you to really focus on each other. Make sure you toss in some great conversation and some gestures of affection. You’ll be miles ahead in warding off the January marriage crises those in my field come to dread.

Dads… Gain Points with Mom by Spending Time with Kids

Although the cooler weather offers fewer choices for fun family activities, October is a great month for dads to step up to the plate and demonstrate their commitment to the family.

In many parts of the country there are hayrides, apple orchards, corn mazes, and other fall activities that children love.

If you have never carved a pumpkin with your children, and this is something your family might enjoy, now is the year to try it! Pumpkin Masters® has a great kit for designing and carving pumpkins.

If your family celebrates Hallowe’en, help the kids plan and make their costumes. Be sure to take pictures as the project progresses. Plan a Hallowe’en party, or offer to help out with one at your child’s school.

My son is still talking about a friend’s dad who carved a pumpkin for his Kindergarten class. And you can bet that child’s mom really loved it!

If you don’t celebrate Hallowe’en, there are still so many wonderful opportunities to share with your children. Take a weekend drive to watch the leaves change. Visit a museum or exhibit that revs up your child’s curiosity. Read stories about children of yesteryear. My nine year old son loves the Little House books.

Too much time you think? More important things to do? Boring?

Did you know that most women will rank a father’s commitment to their children, in terms of time spent doing those kinds of things, as one of the things she needs to be in love with him?

Still not sure? Try this. Offer to take the kids to something they would enjoy. Make it something you would find interesting also. Then ask if perhaps your wife would join you alone for dinner out followed by a movie, play, concert, sporting event, or other activity. Make sure that the activity you choose is one that you both find enjoyable.

If you make a practice of doing both those things, your marriage will be all the better for it.

Ask the Coach: Your Questions Answered

Dear Penny,

There are many things my wife does that I really don’t like. If I try to talk to her about it, she says I just want to control her. I’m finding I just want to stay away from home. ML

Dear ML,

First let’s define control. Control is attempting to make someone DO something. So if you are insisting that she stay home, clean the house, or have a particular kind of job, those would be considered control.

On the other hand, in marriage, you have a right to expect that your partner NOT do things that you find offensive.

Part of your problem may be the way in which you are addressing the things that annoy you.

When you speak to your wife about these things, be sure that you go to her with a smile on your face. Do so at a time when you are calm and relaxed.

Tell her that you have a problem and ask her if she would be willing to help you with it. Tell her how you feel about the things she is doing. Suggest an alternative, and ask her how she would feel about that. Ask her for ideas.

If you can keep the conversation pleasant and courteous, then there is a good chance that the two of you can work together to find alternatives that make you both happy at the same time.

If you find that cannot have this discussion without losing your temper, then those are issues that need to be addressed before any other.

Best wishes….. Penny

A Lesson in Honesty, aka “Coming Clean”

Guest Author
Travis “Pat” Alexander

I’d always heard that if you tell one lie, you eventually must tell another one to cover up the first. But I didn’t really understand the implications of continuing this pattern over several years. The web woven by my expanding matrix of lies grew and grew until it devastated every aspect of my life. Obviously it affected my relationship with my spouse.

My analysis starts with the “crash”. I hit the low point of my life the day I was fired for viewing inappropriate websites at work. I had to go home and explain. Without much thought, I proceeded home and begged for forgiveness. I thought our discussion would be about jobs and careers and boredom at work. But my wife wanted more of an explanation. She wanted to know everything. What had I looked at? Who had I emailed? Why was I unable to avoid this outcome, after being caught and reprimanded three months earlier?

Her questioning uncovered an addiction to sex. It revealed the tip of an iceberg that I believed would never be fully disclosed. I knew there was a deep-seated problem, but I had never identified it. Even in numerous discussions with professional psychologists, it hadn’t come to light. Oh, they were good. But I kept the details to myself, making it impossible for them to diagnose the problem.

Now, the rules have changed. If I want to stay in the relationship I will have to be completely honest. I will have to reveal everything I ever did that might be considered inappropriate. Every woman I was with, every bar I visited, every dollar I spent. But I can’t remember them all. Really, I can’t. I am confused. I am hurting, and feeling an incredible amount of guilt. Each story I tell about my indiscretions is rooted in a lie. Not only did I hurt her by acting so selfishly on those uncontrollable desires, but I lied to her. I lied to make the situations possible; I lied to cover them up; I lied to protect her.

So when she said, “ Is that all, is that everything?”, I believed it was all. I believed I had told the whole truth, and I was satisfied with that. I believed that because I was lying to myself. The rest didn’t matter. No one would ever know about those indiscretions that remain unspoken. There was enough found out to fire me, to bury me, to leave me. That’s enough, I thought. But there was more.

One painful vision at a time, they came out. Revealed by stray records of money spent, or by recovered files of emails forgotten. With each new revelation came deeper pain for my wife, who had endured all she could imagine by then. But the web of lies was thick, and it took some time to get through it all. There was much pain. Unnecessary pain, that could have been prevented by an injection of honesty anywhere along the road.

Amazing as it is, she and I are together today. Living by new rules that are preventing a new lie from getting a foothold. The new rules include 100 percent accountability for time, money, where-abouts, and behavior. When I first agreed to follow these rules, it appeared impossible. But it is possible. And now I consider the rules my friends, because they are helping to keep me where I want to be. Out of trouble and in this relationship. I wish I had understood how easily I could get in so deep.

It started with one lie.

Other Resources:

eNewsletters:
Oct 2002/ Honesty
Nov 2002 / Time
Dec 2002 / Compatibility
Jan 2003 / Romance
Mar 2003 / Infidelity Part I Discovery and Dynamics
Apr 2003 / Infidelity Part II Exposing, Confronting, Separating
May 2003 / Infidelity Part III Recovery
Sep 2003 / Conversation
Oct 2003 / Internal Shift
Jan 2004 / Volunteer
Feb 2004 / Infidelity Overview

Infidelity Resources:
www.symcinc.com
www.dearpeggy.com
www.marrriagebuilders.com
www.shirleyglass.com
www.sexhelp.com (Sexual addiction information)

Not Just Friends Shirley Glass 2003
Surviving An Affair Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD 1998 Revel
In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Online Compulsive Sexual Behavior Patrick Carnes et al Hazelden

If you would like one on one assistance in implementing these concepts into your marriage call me at 1.877.416.2657

Check out the Coaching Center

Be sure to visit www.symcinc.com for archived copies of the eNewsletter. Changes and additions to the site taking place as you read this!!!

Did You Know?

Infidelity affects an estimated 80% of marriages in the US?

That statistic comes from Peggy Vaughn, author of The Monogamy Myth, in 1989. I suspect that given the passage of time, those numbers are even higher today.

What that means in terms of day to day life, if you are at a gathering with 10 other couples, 8 of those will be struggling with infidelity in their marriage.

Most marriages do not end in divorce because of an affair. Rather they end in divorce when the conditions which led to the affair in the first place are not addressed.

Need Help Now?

If you are dealing with infidelity in your marriage, or if you suspect that your partner may be having an affair, I can help you find your way back to a healthy marriage. Call me at 1.877.416.2657

Free follow up phone coaching session with paid initial consult

© Penny R. Tupy, Marriage and Relationship Coach
October 2002

Your feedback always welcome and encouraged!!! Thanks for reading. PRT
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