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December 2002 eNewsletter

Creating Compatibility in Marriage

Compatibility. Sounds so good. It’s a dream we all have, to find that one special person who will mesh with every part of our lives. Someone who will be there when we need them, laugh at our jokes, understand when we need space, and will seem to be able to do all of this and more effortlessly. After all, a true soul mate is pre-destined. It is determined by the Fates, a match made in heaven.

Well, wouldn’t it be nice if it really did work that way? But if you’ve reached adulthood, you probably know by now that nothing in life is that simple. That anything worth having takes work; and that if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

As a long time passionate observer of human behavior in general, and relationships in particular, I find it sadly fascinating how often we read or hear of some celebrity who falls madly in love claiming to have found his or her one and only soul mate. Only to hear about the very nasty break up just a short time later.

The same phenomenon happens with the rest of us lesser mortals (or perhaps simply lesser paid) in a more quiet sense day in and day out. We fall in love, believing it to be perfect and timeless, only to discover that the person who once seemed to fit every part of our life and our dreams has opinions and habits and desires all their own. And that those things don’t fit in with our scheme of how life is supposed to look. We go from being soul mates to being incompatible almost overnight it seems.

People change. We change. Even if we could find a partner who would remain the same, meeting our needs and fitting in with the life we had when we met, such an arrangement still would not guarantee long term compatibility. The things we ourselves need changes with the course of time. And of course that is compounded by the fact that our partner most certainly would not stay the same. His or her needs and goals would be changing just as our own would.

Unless we want to spend our lives trading in one partner for another every six months or so, a la Julia Roberts and others, there needs to be a more realistic view of what compatibility in the long term is all about.

Compatibility is not something you have, like your height or eye color. Compatibility is something you build. One decision and one choice at a time. Couples who want to remain each other’s best friend, and intimate partner for life need to understand how their choices effect their mate, and to be able to work together to create compatibility.

Every time we make a decision or behave in a certain way, we are either creating or destroying compatibility in our marriages. Choices which take into account how our spouse feels, and are made only with his or her wholehearted support, build compatibility. Choices that are made independently, or without consideration of how our mate feels, destroy compatibility.

I can see the look of horror on your faces already. That means that your spouse can veto things that you might want to do, and that there are things you will need to give up or forego because he or she isn’t thrilled with the idea. Yes, it does. Everything worth having requires us to give up something else. Buying that great vehicle or Italian leather shoes means that you will give up something else you might have spent your money on. Life is about setting priorities and making choices consistent with those. Having a joyous and fulfilling marriage is no different.

But before I lose you entirely, there’s another side to this issue. You don’t just pass up the things your spouse might find offensive or objectionable and then sit at home miserable and cranky. You replace those things with something you both can be excited about. You create a lifestyle that makes you both happy at the same time.

Perhaps bowling is your passion, and your husband can’t stand the sight of a bowling alley. Then in the interest of creating a compatible marriage you would replace bowling with something you would enjoy doing together. Finding that activity might take some trail and error. You may have to try two or more alternatives before you find something you can agree on. Keep in mind that new patterns of behavior take time to feel comfortable, and be willing to be a good sport about trying different things.

Does this mean that you must do everything together? I don’t believe so. I have interests that my husband is not as passionate about and vice versa. But before we spend our time on those activities we do a couple of things. First we make sure that we are putting the time we spend together as a priority; we schedule that ahead of other activities. Next, we ask how the other would feel if we engaged in our own activity. And we work together to find ways that we can both be happy with the final outcome. If we can’t find a way to do that, then the activity is not scheduled. Finally, we catch each other up afterward, taking the time to have an enjoyable conversation that wraps the other into that part of our life. We stay connected and involved in what the other is doing.

As you can see, building compatibility is challenging work. Challenging and highly rewarding. Be forewarned, if you have spent years making decisions independently of how your mate feels and vice versa, then creating a new pattern of behavior will take time and effort. But I think I can guarantee that the effort you make will pay off over and over again when you have created a marriage that is joyous and fulfilling.

Other Resources:

www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com
Oct. 2002 / Honesty
Nov. 2002 / Time

If you would like one on one assistance in implementing these concepts into your marriage call me at 1.877.416.2657

Penny’s Thoughts

I had an opportunity recently to put my beliefs about creating compatibility to the test. There was a nationally known author and speaker, on a subject near and dear to my heart, coming to town a couple of weeks ago. I was so thrilled with the idea of getting to see her in person, and to hear her speak. She has a new book out, and her earlier work had been a huge influence in my life. To say I wanted to go would be a bit of an understatement.

I emailed the info and the dates to my husband about a month in advance. We talked about it once or twice, but not really in a way that said, “I’d like to do this, how would you feel about it?”

The big day drew closer and closer and it became obvious that he was far less thrilled with the prospect than I was. For one thing, it was going to be a rather expensive event, and in addition the timing was bad. Too early in the afternoon for him to be able to accompany me. (I didn’t want to go alone.) And then, there was the issue of parking in the city during rush hour.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to share something with me that I was interested in; but rather that the conditions of doing so were unappealing to him.

He knew I was disappointed at the thought of missing the event, and offered to figure out a way to make it all work. At first the selfish little voices in my head urged me to take his offer and run. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I didn’t want to get my way if it meant that my spouse would be unhappy. I called and told him I would rather find an activity for that evening which we would both enjoy just as much as I would enjoy going to this sp

Now, if you think this was easy, it wasn’t! I moped around by myself that day and did a little of the “poor me” martyr thing. (To myself of course.)

Later in the afternoon, I needed to drive into the city, and I happened to tune into talk radio to check out the traffic conditions. The DJ on the station was interviewing another of my favorite authors, Patricia Cornwell, so I stayed tuned to catch what she had to say.

The interview was fascinating. And at the end of it the DJ announced that Ms. Cornwell would be speaking that night at 7pm for free in a church that was easy to get to, and easy to park near.

When I met my husband later as we’d arranged I told him what I’d heard and asked if this would be something he would enjoy doing. And since the timing and the parking were better, we could now add dinner to the plan. He was thrilled. I was thrilled. And Ms. Cornwell was fabulous!

It was difficult and took a bit of a leap of faith to do what I knew was the best course. I'm glad I did. We built compatibility by working together to find a solution we both loved.

You have that opportunity with every choice you make. Which will you choose?

Penny

Movie Review: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Harry Potter is the story of a little boy who grows up in a stodgy, unimaginative, stifling, abusive home. It’s about overcoming the disadvantages of being an orphan raised in unfriendly circumstances. It’s a story told against the backdrop of magical happenings much like fairy tales of old. It’s a story with a lesson of personal responsibility and tolerance.

There were examples of the characters making good ethical choices in this movie. And there were examples of poor ethical choices. From the viewpoint of a parent, the heroes and heroines were the ones making the better choices. Usually. A little lecture on the use of vehicles, magical or not, is certainly in order! And of course as in all stories where children are the heroes who outsmart the bad guys, there is the issue of rebelling against authority and those lies of omission which are so troubling to parents. It’s a great conversation starter for parents and children.

I like how the movie showed the difference between parenting with love and firmness, as in the case of the Harry’s friend, Ron Weasley’s parents, and with harshness and contempt as demonstrated by Harry’s foster parents, the Dursleys.

The real lesson of HP is tolerance. It is the message that being not of the elite is as honorable as otherwise, and that it is one’s actions that determine our value to society.

Much of the story revolves around the hatred of “mixed blood” students by Draco Malfoy and his father… followers of the evil and once powerful Lord Voldemort. Mixed bloods are those who come from homes where one parent is magical and the other not. Hermione, who is by far one of the most gifted students at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, is such a mixture. The story highlights her strength, courage, intelligence, giftedness, and compassion; and that those are the things which matter, rather than her lineage.

Ron’s family is one with lots of children, much love, warmth, and care, but little wealth. They too are put down by the brooding Malfoys. And once again, Ron shows that it is not how much one has in the bank, but in the heart that really counts in the end.

The tension in this story is built on the attacks against the students by a monster long kept locked away in the castle. The monster is controlled by the darkly evil Lord Voldemort. His hatred of long ago was directed at mixed blood students, and it continues to this day. The evil this story portrays is prejudice and bigotry against those who are different than we. The presumption that one can judge another based on parentage or other external factors.

The message that I want to impart to my children based on HP is one of tolerance. That we are not to judge others based on their nationality, their creed, their wealth (or lack thereof), their gender, or their physical capabilities. That all creation is due our respect and our honor because all creation embodies the spark of Life.

As Professor Dumbledore says to Harry at the end of the movie, “It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

I want my children to take home the lesson of making ethical choices which take into account the needs and feelings of those around them. Choices which embody respect.

At this holiday time, we could all take a little time to reflect on our prejudices and biases. Tolerance for those who are different from us is an admirable quality.

As in the first movie, the casting is superb. Kenneth Brannagh as the foppish and bumbling Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is delightful.

Romancing YOUR Marriage™

Workshops are available for your group or organization in Minnesota and Western Wisconsin. For more information call 877.416.2657

Conflicts Ruining Your Yuletide Joy?

I’m sure you’ve already noticed that the holiday season tends to be the most stressful time of year for all kinds of relationships. Marriages are no exception, and get hit hard with multiple conflicts. It’s no accident that the month with the greatest number of divorce filings is January.

Sit on a bench or in a food court at any shopping mall in the US and you will overhear arguments between spouses regarding holiday plans.

Budgetary issues are a big conflict, as is where and with whom to spend the holidays. Add to that the added work of shopping, wrapping, decorating, the time demands of holiday parties and you have a recipe for conflict on the scale of a national disaster.

Here’s what I suggest. Whatever you are doing right now in terms of holiday rush, stop. Sit back, take a breather; take a break.

Now, schedule an afternoon coffee date with your spouse, or an early morning breakfast. Make it a time when you’ll have some privacy and you won’t be rushed. Ask if you could discuss all these issues, and make it clear that your goal is to come up with ideas and solutions that you’ll both support wholeheartedly.

Come to the meeting with a smile on your face, and an attitude of cooperation. Remember, the goal is to create a partnership where you both are happy with your choices and decisions.

It would be a good idea to have a list of the things that need to be discussed. In your head is fine, or written if you’re like me and tend to forget something vital. Your list might look something like this:
Decorations, interior / exterior
Gifts, children / family /others
Parties, work /friends / ours
Where to celebrate each holiday

No doubt your list will have its own unique items as well.

Keeping your smile on your face, discuss each of those items calmly. Talk about how you feel and what you’d like. Listen to the same things from your spouse. Make no judgments, just listen. Repeat back to each other what you heard. Make it a way to get to know your mate even more intimately.

Once you have done that part, you can begin to think of ways in which to incorporate the things you both love, and to replace the things that one of you finds objectionable. Keep it light, make it fun. Brainstorm every idea that crosses your mind, the sillier the better. Letting your mind roam the possibilities without constraint opens the door to wonderfully creative solutions.

You might want to take a couple of days to come up with suggestions for some of the more difficult issues. Remember to make suggestions that take both yours and your partner’s desires into account.

If you cannot agree, then do nothing. Yes, I said nothing. It would be better for your marriage to forgo gift giving than to get your way at the expense of causing your spouse to suffer. If you make a commitment that you will only act in ways that each of you can feel good about, I guarantee you will find the wisest solutions possible for every situation.

The holidays and how you celebrate are emotionally charged issues. We all have favorite traditions and expectations of what it should be like. As a couple intent on building compatibility you will need to let go of some of those, but you will also have the joy of building traditions that are uniquely your own, and that strengthen and embrace your marriage.

There is no greater gift you can give to yourself, your spouse, your children, and your family than that of a healthy, happy, joyous and fulfilling marriage.

Other Resources:

If you need help resolving holiday conflicts in your marriage call me at 1.877.416.2657 for a free initial coaching session.

Kid’s Corner …. Time with Dad

Winter time and the holidays offer wonderful opportunities for dads to grow their relationship with their children. And in doing so increase the feelings of love their wives have for them. Women crave an involved and caring father for their children. Now is your time to shine!

If you live in the winter wonderland, as I do, outdoor activities for every age abound. Building snowpeople is the perennial favorite, followed by the obligatory snowball fight. Skiing, sledding, skating, snowshoeing, and simply taking a walk are superb activities for the whole family. Don’t forget the hot cocoa when you come inside, and be sure to take responsibility for helping the little ones get their outdoor wear put away.

With all the holiday hustle and bustle (which you have of course negotiated with your wife) remember to keep the children’s needs and involvement as a top priority. They love to help with decorations, shopping for Mom and the relatives, making and decorating cookies. And be sure to include lots of down time to just snuggle up and read a book or play a game.

No matter what holiday you celebrate this time of year, Hanukah, Yule, Christmas, Kwanzaa, or another tradition, time as a family, making and sharing memories is what really makes it special.

Dads, you will reap benefits you can only begin to imagine if you take the lead in initiating time with your family.

Staying Connected… How to Find the Time

All this talk about getting together to negotiate the holiday traditions, spending time with the family, seems to be impossible to even consider much less accomplish given our hectic lives and schedules.

Here are some things we do to work in our 12 – 18 hours a week of time just for us:

Early Saturday and Sunday mornings we leave the kids in charge of themselves (we have older kids at home) with a do it yourself breakfast and ‘toons. We slip off to have coffee, tea, and conversation at a local coffee shop. From there we usually end up at the building supply store to hunt out bargains for our ongoing projects. That tends to be about 3 hours each time, for a total of 6 hours. (We have a family brunch when we get home and family activity at least one weekend afternoon.)

During the week we plan one night at the local Perkins for conversation and a snack. Add another hour and a half. We wait until the small kids are in bed and the big kids are involved in their own projects.

Another evening is usually set aside for a movie or dinner out. (Some weeks we get lucky and can do both!!) Those are the nights the kids get pizzas instead of mom’s cooking. They look forward to that as much as we do! Add 3 to 5 hours.

The other evenings at home we spend on home and child activities. After they are in bed we have about an hour to cozy up on the sofa. Assuming we stay awake, that can add as much as 4 or 5 more hours.

During the day, we stay in touch with frequent emails and occasional phone calls. Once in a while, I take a day to run errands in the city and we meet for lunch.

Are you suspecting a lack of independent activities? Well you would be right. I do some things with my church occasionally, and my husband enjoys more manly remodeling and mechanical activities than I. We schedule those interests around our time together. We’ve chosen not to join organizations or recreational groups that would make it impossible to spend our best time together.

Are we giving up some things we might enjoy? Absolutely! Life is about priorities and choices. In order to have a marriage that is compatible and fulfilling we’ve chosen to forgo other things we might find enjoyable. We’ve taken the challenge of exploring activities that we can enjoy together.

Compatibility is built. It requires time together as a couple. How do you spend your time? Are you creating or destroying compatibility in your marriage? Is the independent activity you can’t imagine giving up worth the price of your marriage?

Dig out that calendar make your marriage a priority. You’ll never regret it!

Honesty Check Up…. Take the Quiz

In October I talked at length about how important honesty is in a healthy marriage. Here’s a pop quiz to see how well you’re doing.
Does your spouse know how you feel about your proposed holiday dinner plans?
Are you completely honest about how much money you’ve spent, or plan to spend on gifts this year?
Are you worried about something you’re not sharing openly with your partner?
Are you going along with plans simply to avoid conflict?
Are you omitting information about holiday events and parties because you know your spouse would object?
Are you revealing all you know about yourself to your spouse?

A” yes” answer to numbers 3, 4, and 5 or a “no” to numbers 1, 2 and 6 indicates a problem in the area of honesty.

Without total honesty in a marriage, there is no way to get to intimacy and compatibility.

For more information see email me for a copy of the Oct. 2002 newsletter, or call me at 1.877.416.2657

Ask the Coach: From My Files

Last month we heard from DB, a wife who was concerned about the time her husband was spending with a female co-worker. She expressed discomfort with the relationship, but felt that she should “trust him” and his claim that they were nothing more than friends. Here is an update, and my response.

Penny,
I wrote to you a week or so ago about my husband spending time with a girl at work. You said that I should talk with him about that, and see what other information I could get. I did that, and now I am really afraid.

At first he said they only talked once in a while at work. Then later he told me that they have lunch together a lot. He said she had dinner with him at the bar too, but then later he said he never said that.

He kept telling me they are just friends and that I shouldn’t be so uptight about having a little fun. He says he’s an adult who can choose his friends, and that I’m just trying to control him. Now what do I do? Help!
DB

Dear DB,
From what you tell me, it seems pretty clear that your husband is on dangerous ground. I would call what he is doing now, an emotional affair. He is cultivating with another woman the kind of emotional intimacy that belongs in marriage. It may well be that the level of intimacy has moved to the realm of a physical affair as well. Either way, the path to recovery is the same, and the burden of work falls heavily on you at this point.

Can you tell me something about what your relationship has been like both in the recent past and in the early days? Has your husband mentioned things that he is unhappy with in the marriage?

I want to really emphasize this point with you, there are many reasons men and women have affairs (and we will be addressing those) but there are NO EXCUSES. Problems in marriage require honesty and persistence to correct. It is never appropriate to look to infidelity as a way to find happiness.

First I would like you to tell him that his relationship with this woman is very painful for you. You can do that without accusing him of being unfaithful. If it’s an emotional attachment only, he may not see it as infidelity. What is non-negotiable however, is how you feel. As your husband, he has promised to put you above all others. And so he needs to know that this is hurting you beyond belief and that you are frightened.

Ask him to end all contact with her immediately. He should be looking for somewhere else to work, if he cannot avoid her entirely on the job. He may be able to speak with his supervisor and be transferred within the company.

Next, talk to him about the things you suspect have been issues in your marriage. Let him know that you are willing and able to do whatever it takes to be the wife he’s always wanted.

Be sure to avoid insisting that he do anything, you can only request. Be watchful of your temper, and under no circumstances allow yourself to become disrespectful and judgmental.

Feel unfair? Yes, perhaps it is. Our goal is to entice him away from this woman so that we can begin the work of rebuilding your marriage. It’s not possible to do that while he is involved with her.

Have this conversation at the earliest possible time. Work on doing the things you know would make him happy, and being as pleasant as possible. Let him know how much it hurts you every time he sees of speaks to her.

Get back to me in a week or so after you’ve had a chance to do those things. Let me know how it goes, and we’ll see what needs to be done next.

Best to you,
Penny

Other Resources:

eNewsletters:
Oct 2002/ Honesty
Nov 2002 / Time
Dec 2002 / Compatibility
Jan 2003 / Romance
Mar 2003 / Infidelity Part I Discovery and Dynamics
Apr 2003 / Infidelity Part II Exposing, Confronting, Separating
May 2003 / Infidelity Part III Recovery
Sep 2003 / Conversation
Oct 2003 / Internal Shift
Jan 2004 / Volunteer
Feb 2004 / Infidelity Overview

Infidelity Resources:
www.symcinc.com
www.dearpeggy.com
www.marrriagebuilders.com
www.shirleyglass.com
www.sexhelp.com (Sexual addiction information)

Not Just Friends Shirley Glass 2003
Surviving An Affair Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD 1998 Revel
In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Online Compulsive Sexual Behavior Patrick Carnes et al Hazelden

If you would like one on one assistance in implementing these concepts into your marriage call me at 1.877.416.2657

Check out the Coaching Center

Be sure to visit www.symcinc.com for archived copies of the eNewsletter. Changes and additions to the site taking place as you read this!!!

Did You Know?

Infidelity affects an estimated 80% of marriages in the US?

That statistic comes from Peggy Vaughn, author of The Monogamy Myth, in 1989. I suspect that given the passage of time, those numbers are even higher today.

What that means in terms of day to day life, if you are at a gathering with 10 other couples, 8 of those will be struggling with infidelity in their marriage.

Most marriages do not end in divorce because of an affair. Rather they end in divorce when the conditions which led to the affair in the first place are not addressed.

Need Help Now?

If you are dealing with infidelity in your marriage, or if you suspect that your partner may be having an affair, I can help you find your way back to a healthy marriage. Call me at 1.877.416.2657

Free follow up phone coaching session with paid initial consult

© Penny R. Tupy, Marriage and Relationship Coach
December 2002

Your feedback always welcome and encouraged!!! Thanks for reading. PRT
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