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October 2003 eZine

Internal Shift

© October 2003 Penny R. Tupy Founder and Coach ~ Save Your Marriage Central
Founding Member Coachville, International Assoc. of Coaches, Coachville R&D Team, IAC R&D Team, Volunteer Mentor Coach Marriage Builders Inc. Weekend Followup Program, eWomenNetwork

Spread the word!! Please forward this to all your married or soon to be married friends and family. Its never too late (or too soon!) to create the marriage of your dreams.

Greetings!!

October was a banner month for SYMC. As I've continued to work with couples and as I've been assisted in many ways by the people I count on for information, support and help it hit me - to borrow the words of our former First Lady - "It Takes a Village to Save a Marriage."

I'm so excited about all of these things so let me jump right in and bring you up to date.

Yahoo! Group: First, SYMC now has a Yahoo! group. This is an information distribution group only. Members of the group receive two reminders daily about concepts and actions we can take to improve our marriages. These range from meeting our spouse's needs to challenges that urge us to avoid our selfish habits and put the needs of the marriage first.

Along with the two daily reminders there is a once a day Musing on Marriage. About a page, written by me that does exactly what the name suggests, muses on some aspect of marriage and what it takes to get it right. Occasionally a way to let my sense of humor play with a very serious topic. Life is too short to be somber - even about the serious stuff.

Our new group is made possible by the wonderful generosity of our volunteer moderator, J who came up with the idea and then did all the set up work to get it off the ground. J continues to write and schedule the daily reminders and to field much of the feedback from members.

The SYMC R&D Team received the original messages and set us feedback that helped us know what to pare down and what to keep. Their input was incredibly valuable; we listened and made changes based on what they were telling us.

Mentoring Program: Coaching is an invaluable way to get your marriage back on track if it's in trouble. It is virtually essential if there is to be real recovery following infidelity. But in the mindset of, it taking a village, coaching cannot do it all. Couples need advocates for their marriage who can help them outside the coaching arena. Advocates who know and understand what they are working on with their Coach and who can hold their hands and support them through the difficulties they are certain to encounter.

With that in mind SYMC is putting together a Mentoring Training Program to train, support and guide volunteers who are willing to be that advocate for couples in their most troubled times. Robin Husband is our first Mentor in Training and the official guinea pig of this program. She will be a driving force in getting the program up and running and in making crucial decisions about what will be included in the curriculum. She has volunteered endless hours to work with one of our couples officially (and probably many more unofficially!) Robin's bio will be available on the site. Currently we have two other individuals who have expressed a vital interest in taking the training and they too will help design and define this program.

Board of Advisors: The moment when the idea that It Takes a Village hit me, complete and with sudden clarity, came when I sent off yet another email to someone that I count on for great advice and insights on some topic that they know far more about than I do. And with that thought came the awareness that these very knowledgeable and generous men and women need to be formally recognized. There's always been a Board of Advisors here at SYMC, we just didn't know to call it that. Well, now we do and it's time they got credit for what they do. Their names and a brief synopsis are listed here; their bios and areas of expertise will be available on the site in the very near future.

Steve Tupy - Engineer, fabulous writer/editor, behind the scenes director and bouncee of all ideas for SYMC - and of course my husband, JM Bare - Engineer, consultant, organizational mogul, wide ranging ethics studies, John Hazucha - Engineer, religious studies, Christian scriptural studies, exceptionally well read on the topic of marriage, John Schrode - Family law atty, educational psychologist, advocate for marriages and families, Rich Derksen - Engineer, researcher, writer/speaker, mastermind at finding any information you need on any topic
Watch for more complete bios along with Robin's at www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com.

If we are to grow the Village we need to be advocates for marriage in our lives. We need to educate ourselves on the very real tragedies of divorce and encourage our legal and therapeutic communities to take responsibility for the information and guidance they give.

Divorce wreaks havoc on the lives of millions of children each year in the US alone. Judith Wallerstein's landmark study (among others) details the effects of divorce on children and its continuing devastating impact as they move beyond their teenage years and into their twenties, thirties and beyond www.smartmarriages.com/divorce_brief.html. Studies such as the one by Linda Waite, Wm. Doherty et al show that divorce does not make adults happier and in fact the opposite is generally true www.smartmarriages.com/divorce_brief.html. Research from multiple agencies including The National Institute of Mental Health detail the trauma of divorce on children and adults alike.

Our children are our future and our most precious resource. To protect them we must remove our heads from the sand and look this epidemic square in the face. Reach out, be an advocate for a couple who is struggling. Encourage therapists to take a stand as advocates for marriage (most do not, that's not their training). Confront the lie that says divorce is painless and easy and that the kids will be fine. Let's get our communities and our families involved in helping couples craft loving and fulfilling marriages so there is no need for divorce. If nothing else, forward this newsletter to someone you know who might need a ray of hope.

All the best,
Penny

Last month I promised you a newsletter about conflict resolution and how to put your new found curiosity skills to work in that area. Unfortunately, along with all the really cool things we've been doing here at SYMC, our family has been dealing with some health issues that have taken me out of the office a good chunk of time. (That would explain why you are getting the October eZine in November!) I promise, that topic will be covered in a later issue.

This month I want to give you an idea of the things that are coming to our yahoo group members. This is a few selections of the daily Musings on Marriage I've written and that members get in their mailboxes. I hope you'll be inspired to join after you read this sampling.
Click to subscribe to Save-Your-Marriage-Central

Musing on Marriage - Make an Internal Shift
Thought for the Weekend (Saturday 9-27)

The idea of a personal internal shift is one that has been rattling around in my head for about five months now. I had a rather large "Aha!" moment concerning my own marriage this spring. I was hit with the lightening thought that any difficulties I was experiencing in my marriage were far more about my willingness to make the right choices in the moment than they were about any failings on the part of my husband.

Now don't get me wrong, the man is wonderful and I love him dearly, but he's human just like the rest of us. What I mean is that my internal and external reactions to things he might do which hurt or annoy me play much more of a role in my contentment in the marriage than do his actions. Instead of mulling over, rehashing and pulling the past into every incident I needed to learn to be honest about how I felt regarding the thing I didn't like, and then I needed to let it go. Live in the present and negotiate for the future.

I worked hard at taking those risks, letting go of pouting and punishing and just speaking calmly (most of the time) the emotions I had. And then asking for what I would like. What a concept!! And what a difference it has made for me, for our marriage and for our family. I've always preached honesty and respect. And I have written quite a bit about what constitutes real honesty and what is only disrespect masquerading as honesty. I've given all kinds of lectures about living in the present. But it wasn't until some sort of critical mass point was reached that the shift occurred for me.

We like to think that attitude change occurs first and behavior follows. I disagree. I think that as we implement new and more appropriately marriage friendly behaviors we open the door for that internal shift to occur. In my work with my coaching clients, this is the message I've been attempting to relay. Do the right things. Make the right choices in the moment - even if they feel awkward - and doing so will unlock the door to your own internal shift. In the words of AA and other recovery movements: "Fake it 'til you make it."

Tomorrow, a personal account of an internal shift from a favorite client of mine. Stay tuned football fans and football wives, you'll like this

(Sunday 9-28)

This is from one of my favorite clients. An "Aha!!" moment of his own that highlights just a wonderful internal shift. I can't tell you how proud I am to have been allowed to play a little part in the rediscovery of their marriage.

I have to admit, I am one of those guys.
They are all over the place.
"How can I get my wife to have sex with me?"
"How can I convince her?"
I am sure you have heard all of these things.

For men, sex is different. It is the pinnacle of the relationship. Not just a part of it. It IS the relationship. If there is sex, things are good, if not, then, well, why not?

So, it hit me this weekend. Touchdowns. Men are looking for touchdowns. They love touchdowns. In football, and in life. But, what if there are none? Men tend to focus on that issue. "This week, we are going to score touchdowns!". They lose sight of all of the other things it takes. If a football team doesn't score touchdowns, next week they don't practice scoring touchdowns. They practice basics. They practice the execution, playmaking, the whole game. Take care of the basics, and the touchdowns will come.

That was my big revelation over the weekend.

The Danger of Fairy Tales (10-18)

Fairy Tales, or folk stories, have been part of our human existence for time out of mind. Anthropologists tell us that the ancients made up stories about the world around them in order to explain the phenomena they observed. Millennia later the brothers Grimm made a family project out of collecting the folk stories popular in small part of the European continent put them together in a cohesive manner and voila! the era or modern fairy tales was born. Once Disney got in the act with all those darling animated versions the threat to marriages was guaranteed.

Is there anyone among us who didn't grow up with tales of Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and more recently for the younger crowd, The Little Mermaid and Belle - the Beauty half of Beauty and the Beast? There's a whole week's worth of writing on the role of men and women in relationships portrayed in those fables but that's not today's focus. Today I want to talk about how each of those stories end.

"And they lived happily ever after. The End."

As if the wooing and winning part was all there is to creating a relationship that works. As if once the attraction is recognized and the obstacles overcome (evil stepparents, poison apples and tentacled sea witches) the rest of life will take care of itself. As if happily ever after is guaranteed. And therein lies the danger of fairy tales.

Every day in my coaching practice couples confide in me that there must be something fatally wrong with their marriage because they disagree on some issue. That their marriage is doomed because they have days when they don't feel connected. That they must have married the wrong person because things were going so well and then they had a fight. They tell me that there is no way they can possibly get it right with their spouse because no matter how hard they try or how much progress they've made things are still not perfect. They don't have "happily ever after."

Marriage is not about happily ever after. At least not in the sense of nothing will ever intrude or cause conflict again. Life is messy. Marriage is messy. Conflict is inevitable. It's not the conflict that causes problems, it's how we handle the issues which are bound to arise. Are we honest about our feelings regarding whatever the problem might be? Are we willing to put our emotional reactions on hold and craft a solution that works for both partners? Are we willing to endure the discomfort of making no move until we find one that can be supported by ourselves and our mates?

Do we really think that Cinderella, who spent her days in comfy worn out clothes singing with the birds and chatting up the mice, was really all that thrilled to dress in rigid haute couture and abide by rules for royal behavior? Do we believe that Snow White's Prince Charming welcomed not one but seven single men with odd personal habits into their home to spend time with his new wife? Is it possible that Sleeping Beauty's narcoleptic tendencies, not to mention her meddling godparents, caused a little friction in their newly wedded bliss?

Fairy Tales are fabulous stories. And if you love mythology the way I do the older less sanitized versions are spring boards for wonderful introspection. But defining the success of a real life flesh and blood, perfectly human romantic relationship using the concept of happily ever after is a recipe for failure. Happily ever after is possible, but to achieve it you'll have to grab onto a hearty dose of empathy, an even bigger measure of courage wrap it all up with a sense of humor and be willing to make the right choices in the present moment. Every moment. And if you blow it this time you pick yourself up, dust off the debris, figure out what needs to change, grab onto that courage and do it all again.

Stop Trying to Save Your Marriage (10-24)

Over the past couple of weeks I've had similar conversations with more than one person on the subject of trying to save a marriage. And each time I came away troubled with the concept in general. Trying to save your marriage? Trying? A terrible word that gives the person permission to fail. Trying implies that you'll give it a go, but you're not really all that committed to success and if it doesn't work well, you tried.

In one of the earlier Star Wars movies Luke Skywalker is deep in the wilds of the swamp planet Dagobah working with the Jedi Master Yoda. Yoda tell Luke to raise his crashed and sunken ship from the muck using only the Force. Luke looks doubtful at best and replies that he'll, "try." Yoda responds, "Do or do not. Never try."

Ok, so I admit I was young and impressionable when Star Wars first hit the big screen, but those few words of wisdom spoken by Yoda have stayed with me over the years. As I began my career and as I became more and more interested in the field of human potential and development this was a theme I heard over and over again. I attended numerous seminars, workshops and training sessions on motivating for excellence. I subscribed to more than one publication that was devoted to effecting change in oneself or facilitating it in others. Everywhere I went, the message was the same. Do or do not. Never try.

The phrase, "self-talk," has been big in pop psychology in the last twenty years. One of the things we know about the human condition is that the way we speak to ourselves and the words we use have a powerful influence on our behavior. It's the concept behind the use of affirmations which became very popular in the early 80s and continues to be used effectively to create change to this day.

So where am I going with all this and how does it relate to marriage? Here's my thought. In order to create real and lasting change in marriage it requires not only work, but commitment. Success is measured by results. In daily life no one really gets a lot of credit for tying. If you tell your family that you tried to make dinner, but no food ever appears, they are not going to grant you any big points. If you tell your boss you tried to get to work on time but just couldn't do it day in and day out, I would suspect you wouldn't have a job for any length of time. Our relationship with our spouse is much the same.

The result - the success or failure of your marriage - depends on what you do, not on what you try. Make a commitment to do the fearless work of crafting a marriage that is open, honest, caring, courteous and respectful. Every moment affords you the chance to make choices which move you closer to that goal. Just Do It.

May the Force Be With You,

Save Your Marriage Central is looking for these things:
Writers!! If you have a marriage related idea for an article or story, contact me. I would love to include you in a future issue. We've been fortunate to feature the work of John Hazucha, Dave Nelson, and some special guest authors in the past. Personal accounts of recovering and repairing your marriage are always of interest to readers.
For Writers' Guidelines, email me at help@saveyourmarriagecentral.com

Virtual Assistant. I'm looking for someone to help with planning and coordinating workshops in the TC area. Some marketing and design background would be helpful but not necessary. Personality, creativity and assertiveness are most important. This work can be done via phone and email. This is a paid part time position. Hours are flexible and can be set by you. I expect this position to require approximately 20-30 hours per month. For more information call me at 877.416.2657

Other Resources:

eNewsletters:
Oct 2002/ Honesty
Nov 2002 / Time
Dec 2002 / Compatibility
Jan 2003 / Romance
Mar 2003 / Infidelity Part I Discovery and Dynamics
Apr 2003 / Infidelity Part II Exposing, Confronting, Separating
May 2003 / Infidelity Part III Recovery
Sep 2003 / Conversation
Oct 2003 / Internal Shift
Jan 2004 / Volunteer
Feb 2004 / Infidelity Overview

Infidelity Resources:
www.symcinc.com
www.dearpeggy.com
www.marrriagebuilders.com
www.shirleyglass.com
www.sexhelp.com (Sexual addiction information)

Not Just Friends Shirley Glass 2003
Surviving An Affair Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD 1998 Revel
In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Online Compulsive Sexual Behavior Patrick Carnes et al Hazelden

If you would like one on one assistance in implementing these concepts into your marriage call me at 1.877.416.2657

Check out the Coaching Center

Be sure to visit www.symcinc.com for archived copies of the eNewsletter. Changes and additions to the site taking place as you read this!!!

Did You Know?

Infidelity affects an estimated 80% of marriages in the US?

That statistic comes from Peggy Vaughn, author of The Monogamy Myth, in 1989. I suspect that given the passage of time, those numbers are even higher today.

What that means in terms of day to day life, if you are at a gathering with 10 other couples, 8 of those will be struggling with infidelity in their marriage.

Most marriages do not end in divorce because of an affair. Rather they end in divorce when the conditions which led to the affair in the first place are not addressed.

Need Help Now?

If you are dealing with infidelity in your marriage, or if you suspect that your partner may be having an affair, I can help you find your way back to a healthy marriage. Call me at 1.877.416.2657

Free follow up phone coaching session with paid initial consult

© Penny R. Tupy, Marriage and Relationship Coach
October 2003

Your feedback always welcome and encouraged!!! Thanks for reading. PRT
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